No, I'm not experiencing Gender Dysphoria (or very rarely and in a mild form), but I live in a small Russian town, and there are other problems. For example, a woman can't buy a bra that wouldn't be push-up, or trousers that wouldn't be tight. In a bigger cities there are more options, but there are stories about women who looked or dressed very manlike and were beaten because of it. I can't pass for a man, though I have small breasts, I have a feminine appearance, and I'm only 155 centimeters tall (that's about 5 feet and 1 inch).
I never went to school because of health issues, so I hadn't seen any people of my age untill I turned 17 (about a year and a half ago). It's not only boys, I had no clue how girls act too, information from books isn't enough. When I finally saw them I realized that I may sit or smile like a girl, but I make less movements, my intonation doesn't change so often, and I don't sing, don't laugh just out of the blue. I guess it places my behavior somewhere in between the two genders.
And yes, sometimes I do switch. I even make better jokes when I feel male.
I never went to school because of health issues, so I hadn't seen any people of my age untill I turned 17 (about a year and a half ago). It's not only boys, I had no clue how girls act too, information from books isn't enough. When I finally saw them I realized that I may sit or smile like a girl, but I make less movements, my intonation doesn't change so often, and I don't sing, don't laugh just out of the blue. I guess it places my behavior somewhere in between the two genders.
And yes, sometimes I do switch. I even make better jokes when I feel male.
I am happy to hear that you do not have gender dysphoria, which can make life very difficult. I also know what it is like to be in a smaller town. I worked with a girl who was going to an all girl school, so it was very hard for her to observe boys and masculine behavior and mannerisms, but now she is in a mixed gender school. I have also worked with young people in Russia and Serbia before, and know how challenging the situation can be for any Sexual Minorities. It is almost the same as when I grew up, when you were always a bit scared, where you were surrounded by hate and intolerance, where you could loose everything, including your career and your life, and even go to prison or face torture (electric shock), if you were found out. When I found the Gay community, it really helped me. I had to go to an Academy and 14 years at sea on ships, knowing that if they found out I was Gay, they would kill me. I saw it happen. When I got off my last ship, I swore and oath to never hide again, and I lived as an openly gay man after that. But by 1989, things were improving for Sexual Minorities in the United States, but had a long way to go yet. We were being decimated by AIDS. Our battle to get help for our dying brothers and sisters is what really brought our community together in an activist way, to fight hard for equal rights. I am very afraid for my Russian brothers and sisters and can only hope that things will get better in the next 10 years.
I have seen feminine women look masculine. We used to have something we called a 'Closet Ball' in Seattle, Washington, USA. Men and women came on stage dressed in their birth gender, and the men tried to act and look as masculine as possible and the women tried to look and act as feminines possible. Then they had 1 hour to transition to the opposite. The one who had the greatest transition won the contest. Some of the transitions seemed almost unbelievable. It is not the clothing, wigs, hair cuts, or make-up that seems the transition, it is 'being' that gender, the subtle language of your body and face, your mannerisms, how you walk, how you hold yourself, which have much more to do with transmitting cues of masculinity and femininity. Subtle makeup can also harden edges of the face.
You would probably pass more as a teenage boy. Boys have softer and more rounded features. I am only trying to let you know not to assume anything and try to live in the world of all possibilities. Perhaps you will be able to move to a larger city, with greater possibilities. In the mean time, there is fantasy.
You mentioned "feeling male," and this is also important. When you feel male, or female, in your core, at that moment, like this is who I am and I know it that can convince people. It is not the same as acting in a move, it is actually becoming someone else different. My ex-husband was a Drag Queen and Female Impersonator. He actually won a bikini contest one time. We had special hip and breast prosthetics made for him that blended well. Anyway, he was a different person as a woman. He actually became more self-confident, loved himself, had a sassy personality, stood up for herself, and she danced and pranced and sang in her real voice on stage. But as a man, he had little self-confidence, he did not like himself and he was very shy. He would not sing unless he was alone, and his voice was good. HIs personality as a man and as a woman were very different, but I still loved the male one better, although I wished he would feel better about himself, lol. Alas, he cheated on me too many times to even count, and for a time was addicted to pot and an alcoholic. Such is life.
In conclusion, I have seen what is possible and you have not. So please trust me when i say your dreams can come true. In the mean time, enjoy each day as much as you can, instead of just existing and waiting for something better. I am in a slow and very painful dying process (joint and nerve disease), but I do not dwell in the past or the future. I work to get the most out of each day. I appreciate the small things most people take for granted, like the sun suddenly shining on my face, hearing kids laughing down the street, hearing a great song or seeing something artistic, seeing my husband smile… All the small things add up to a positive day, despite the pain, despite the inability to much of anything with my body. I wasted too much of my life being depressed and just existing. I wish there had been some help for me when I was a boy and young man. But we make do with what we have. All the best.
I have seen feminine women look masculine. We used to have something we called a 'Closet Ball' in Seattle, Washington, USA. Men and women came on stage dressed in their birth gender, and the men tried to act and look as masculine as possible and the women tried to look and act as feminines possible. Then they had 1 hour to transition to the opposite. The one who had the greatest transition won the contest. Some of the transitions seemed almost unbelievable. It is not the clothing, wigs, hair cuts, or make-up that seems the transition, it is 'being' that gender, the subtle language of your body and face, your mannerisms, how you walk, how you hold yourself, which have much more to do with transmitting cues of masculinity and femininity. Subtle makeup can also harden edges of the face.
You would probably pass more as a teenage boy. Boys have softer and more rounded features. I am only trying to let you know not to assume anything and try to live in the world of all possibilities. Perhaps you will be able to move to a larger city, with greater possibilities. In the mean time, there is fantasy.
You mentioned "feeling male," and this is also important. When you feel male, or female, in your core, at that moment, like this is who I am and I know it that can convince people. It is not the same as acting in a move, it is actually becoming someone else different. My ex-husband was a Drag Queen and Female Impersonator. He actually won a bikini contest one time. We had special hip and breast prosthetics made for him that blended well. Anyway, he was a different person as a woman. He actually became more self-confident, loved himself, had a sassy personality, stood up for herself, and she danced and pranced and sang in her real voice on stage. But as a man, he had little self-confidence, he did not like himself and he was very shy. He would not sing unless he was alone, and his voice was good. HIs personality as a man and as a woman were very different, but I still loved the male one better, although I wished he would feel better about himself, lol. Alas, he cheated on me too many times to even count, and for a time was addicted to pot and an alcoholic. Such is life.
In conclusion, I have seen what is possible and you have not. So please trust me when i say your dreams can come true. In the mean time, enjoy each day as much as you can, instead of just existing and waiting for something better. I am in a slow and very painful dying process (joint and nerve disease), but I do not dwell in the past or the future. I work to get the most out of each day. I appreciate the small things most people take for granted, like the sun suddenly shining on my face, hearing kids laughing down the street, hearing a great song or seeing something artistic, seeing my husband smile… All the small things add up to a positive day, despite the pain, despite the inability to much of anything with my body. I wasted too much of my life being depressed and just existing. I wish there had been some help for me when I was a boy and young man. But we make do with what we have. All the best.
Well, maybe the high level of homophobia in Russia even helped me in a way. I was a rather indifferent and lazy kid, I didn't have any hobbies and studied well enough only due to the fact that I didn't have to go to school. But I realized quite early that I'm somehow different from the girls in books and movies, and I guessed that it has something to do with LGBT, though in those times this thought made me nervous. And there was a year when something bad happened in Russian economy, and the government decided the distract the society with LGBT topics. There was so much of hate materials, fake researches, and heavy religious propaganda, and they decided that little children shouldn't be told about Homosexuality at all, "because it might harm their moral or physical development". At that point I threw away the remote control and said: "I'll hang them, I swear!" Since then I actually started studying, writing, drawing, and, at least but not at last, thinking. Now I have a certain political programm and I'm ready to do something about the problems I see.
I've already noticed that younger men can look like older women and vice versa. I am watching a series called "Penny Dreadful", and there was a MtF character. At first I decided that she is a biological woman, and I thought that she is about 30-35, but when I learnt that's a biological man, I realized that the actor is 20 or close.
Everyone can win a bikini contest with hip and breast prosthetics
I am very sorry to hear about your illness, and I do hope that you will be able to live for another 15 years, because they say that in 2030 special nano-robots will be invented in order to rebuild damaged organs and systems, and everybody who will be alive at that moment will have another chance.
I've already noticed that younger men can look like older women and vice versa. I am watching a series called "Penny Dreadful", and there was a MtF character. At first I decided that she is a biological woman, and I thought that she is about 30-35, but when I learnt that's a biological man, I realized that the actor is 20 or close.
Everyone can win a bikini contest with hip and breast prosthetics
I am very sorry to hear about your illness, and I do hope that you will be able to live for another 15 years, because they say that in 2030 special nano-robots will be invented in order to rebuild damaged organs and systems, and everybody who will be alive at that moment will have another chance.
Good for you. I am happy to see you motivated and more excited about life. I think Russia and Uganda are the only countries in the world where Sexual Minority rights went backwards. It is still very bad in some countries, where you face the death penalty for being a Sexual Minority, but then they have already been that way for hundreds of years. Progress will happen , but in some countries is will be very slow.
I am unhappy with some of our younger Sexual Minorities in America who say they see no reason to work for Sexual Minority rights, even though we still have a lot of work to do. They have no idea how many the huge price paid thousands of homosexuals, to win the freedoms they enjoy now. Many died, went to prison, were tortured or beaten, in the fight of Gay Liberties. This is what Russian Gay Activists face now. Those who fight for Gay rights pay a heavy price. They are HEROES. In my deviation CELEBRATION of GAY PRID
One thing I find interesting is how powerful the church is in Russia. I just hope you do not get hurt.
There is a western term, 'Underground' going back to before World War II. It refers to a group ff people or a movement that is organized secretly to work against an existing social order or regime; OR a group of people or movement seeking to explore alternative forms of lifestyle or artistic expression.
When I was a young man, the Gay community was 'Underground.' It was not that easy to even find places to go if you were Gay. A man who rescued me during a rape gave me an underground Gay newspaper that listed Gay places to go in a few West Coast cities. It would be a couple of years before I used it, but this is how I found the Gay community.
Having to live underground has a terrible price to pay in looking for, and maintaining romantic Sexual Minority Relationships (long-term romantic love). This is because it is so dangerous for two men or two women to live together in a relationship. It generates too much suspicion. It is typically easier for two women to live together. This underground existence forces many Gay men to seek only sexual release, and avoid trying to form loving relationships, because it is safer. It is a very lonely existence. In America, as the public became more accepting of homosexuality, you saw Gay men and women forming long-term loving relationships at rapidly growing rates. Now I see the majority of gay boys and girls looking for and desiring romantic relationships, rather than just sex.
I was fortunate. I lived on the West coast of the United States (first Los Angeles, and then Seattle). My employer and almost all of my coworkers (on ships), were all from the East Coast and Gulf Coast, with the company based in Texas. The company flew me around the world to join ships. This meant that I could live with a man and no one would know. I had a close call one time when a coworker was visiting someone in Seattle and called to say he wanted to come visit me. My husband and I had to run around the house to hide photos of us and anything that might say 'Gay.' Then my lover had to go somewhere else for the day, which felt terrible. Still, I got away with living with a man for the 14 years I was going to sea on ships.
If you were 'outed' as being Gay, it often meant losing your career, and finding out that the only safe place to survive was in the Gay ghettos of larger cities. If you were obviously gay in appearance, most typically lived and worked for low wages in the GAY GHETTOS. A 'Ghetto' is am area of a city where minorities live. All big cities had a Gay ghettos and they still do. Please Note that Ghetto does not mean a poor area, although a ghetto can be very poor. In Seattle, the Gay ghetto is extremely expensive to get into. I try to get American LGBTQ people to not ghettoize themselves, but for many Gay people, it feels safer and more comfortable to live in a Gay area, work in a gay area, shop in a gay area, and play in a gay area, and seldom leave. But if we want more of the public to accept us, the best proven way for that to happen is for us to live with the public, OPENLY as a Sexual Minority. As they get to know us, they realize that we are just like them, not the lies they heard about how Gay people molest children, are perverts and evil people, etc.
However, when almost all of the public hates you, it forces you to meet other gay people Underground, in secret. We had a fear of being raided by the police and arrested. There was always a risk when you met with other Gay people to socialize and dance, especially in clubs and bars. The risks were being seen and outed, being arrested, being waylaid and beaten to death (or badly damaged) when going to or coming from a Gay place, being blackmailed, etc. Even now, men pretending to be straight, often with a wife and children, are too afraid to be seen in a Gay place, so they seek Gay sex in parks and public restrooms, and this is extremely dangerous, both legally and physically.
In other words, when you force a minority to live underground, in fear, it causes a lot of psychological and social damage.
The Gay movement in the United States started at the STONEWALL INN, early in the morning on June 28, 1969. The Stonewall inn was a Gay bar where Gay men, Lesbians, and Transgenders would socialize. They would occasionally get raided by the police. That morning, the police raided the Stonewall Inn, only this time gay people decided that it was too much, and revolted, starting a riot that trapped the police for hours. All over the city of New York, thousands of Homosexuals answered the call and ran to support the riot. Every single year after that, starting in 1970, a Gay Pride Parade was done to celebrate this event that marked a major positive change in the Gay Rights movement. The tradition of Gay Pride Parades spread to other cities and then to other countries.
I feel a deep sadness for the suffering that Russian Sexual Minorities will be feeling and the great image it will do to them and the Sexual Minority community in the years to come. There are now and will be many Russian Sexual Minority HEROES in the years to come.
I am unhappy with some of our younger Sexual Minorities in America who say they see no reason to work for Sexual Minority rights, even though we still have a lot of work to do. They have no idea how many the huge price paid thousands of homosexuals, to win the freedoms they enjoy now. Many died, went to prison, were tortured or beaten, in the fight of Gay Liberties. This is what Russian Gay Activists face now. Those who fight for Gay rights pay a heavy price. They are HEROES. In my deviation CELEBRATION of GAY PRID
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDEI try to tell the story of the Gay movement and why we should be proud to be Sexual Minorities. Straight people do not need to feel pride in being straight, because they do not have to overcome any challenges to be Straight, they do not face discrimination and violence for being Straight, or face the rejection of family and freinds for being Straight, or fear being imprisoned or murdered for being Straight.
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE - An Older Gay Man's Perspective
Straight people keep asking, "Why do 'you' people need GAY PRIDE when there is no need for STRAIGHT PRIDE?" This is my answer:
Straight people do not need to be proud of being straight, because they do not need to overcome and survive vilification, hatred, bigotry, discrimination and suppression, for being straight. Sexual Minorities deserve great pride and respect for overcoming all of that, and more.I call this a "Celebration of Gay Pride" because it is a celebration of my journey to self-acceptance and pride-of-self. I was 13, an Altar Boy wanting to be a Priest, when our priest told us boys, "Boys who are physically attracted to other boys are an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for an eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna." I could not understand it. I was simple, autistic, and I lived to be a good boy. I had not done anything to make these feelings for boys happen. God must
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One thing I find interesting is how powerful the church is in Russia. I just hope you do not get hurt.
There is a western term, 'Underground' going back to before World War II. It refers to a group ff people or a movement that is organized secretly to work against an existing social order or regime; OR a group of people or movement seeking to explore alternative forms of lifestyle or artistic expression.
When I was a young man, the Gay community was 'Underground.' It was not that easy to even find places to go if you were Gay. A man who rescued me during a rape gave me an underground Gay newspaper that listed Gay places to go in a few West Coast cities. It would be a couple of years before I used it, but this is how I found the Gay community.
Having to live underground has a terrible price to pay in looking for, and maintaining romantic Sexual Minority Relationships (long-term romantic love). This is because it is so dangerous for two men or two women to live together in a relationship. It generates too much suspicion. It is typically easier for two women to live together. This underground existence forces many Gay men to seek only sexual release, and avoid trying to form loving relationships, because it is safer. It is a very lonely existence. In America, as the public became more accepting of homosexuality, you saw Gay men and women forming long-term loving relationships at rapidly growing rates. Now I see the majority of gay boys and girls looking for and desiring romantic relationships, rather than just sex.
I was fortunate. I lived on the West coast of the United States (first Los Angeles, and then Seattle). My employer and almost all of my coworkers (on ships), were all from the East Coast and Gulf Coast, with the company based in Texas. The company flew me around the world to join ships. This meant that I could live with a man and no one would know. I had a close call one time when a coworker was visiting someone in Seattle and called to say he wanted to come visit me. My husband and I had to run around the house to hide photos of us and anything that might say 'Gay.' Then my lover had to go somewhere else for the day, which felt terrible. Still, I got away with living with a man for the 14 years I was going to sea on ships.
If you were 'outed' as being Gay, it often meant losing your career, and finding out that the only safe place to survive was in the Gay ghettos of larger cities. If you were obviously gay in appearance, most typically lived and worked for low wages in the GAY GHETTOS. A 'Ghetto' is am area of a city where minorities live. All big cities had a Gay ghettos and they still do. Please Note that Ghetto does not mean a poor area, although a ghetto can be very poor. In Seattle, the Gay ghetto is extremely expensive to get into. I try to get American LGBTQ people to not ghettoize themselves, but for many Gay people, it feels safer and more comfortable to live in a Gay area, work in a gay area, shop in a gay area, and play in a gay area, and seldom leave. But if we want more of the public to accept us, the best proven way for that to happen is for us to live with the public, OPENLY as a Sexual Minority. As they get to know us, they realize that we are just like them, not the lies they heard about how Gay people molest children, are perverts and evil people, etc.
However, when almost all of the public hates you, it forces you to meet other gay people Underground, in secret. We had a fear of being raided by the police and arrested. There was always a risk when you met with other Gay people to socialize and dance, especially in clubs and bars. The risks were being seen and outed, being arrested, being waylaid and beaten to death (or badly damaged) when going to or coming from a Gay place, being blackmailed, etc. Even now, men pretending to be straight, often with a wife and children, are too afraid to be seen in a Gay place, so they seek Gay sex in parks and public restrooms, and this is extremely dangerous, both legally and physically.
In other words, when you force a minority to live underground, in fear, it causes a lot of psychological and social damage.
The Gay movement in the United States started at the STONEWALL INN, early in the morning on June 28, 1969. The Stonewall inn was a Gay bar where Gay men, Lesbians, and Transgenders would socialize. They would occasionally get raided by the police. That morning, the police raided the Stonewall Inn, only this time gay people decided that it was too much, and revolted, starting a riot that trapped the police for hours. All over the city of New York, thousands of Homosexuals answered the call and ran to support the riot. Every single year after that, starting in 1970, a Gay Pride Parade was done to celebrate this event that marked a major positive change in the Gay Rights movement. The tradition of Gay Pride Parades spread to other cities and then to other countries.
I feel a deep sadness for the suffering that Russian Sexual Minorities will be feeling and the great image it will do to them and the Sexual Minority community in the years to come. There are now and will be many Russian Sexual Minority HEROES in the years to come.
It's interesting that you said "church", and not "religion". It's very accurate, because after the Soviet most Russian people are superstitious, not religious, but church turned into a political institution and fully replaced Compartia.
I do not get hurt or outed because of being Genderfluid since my mom is the only person who knows about it. But I have some other problems: we're Ukrainians, and Ukraine is Russia's enemy №2 (№1 are the USA, but I don't think they know about it), so I've already been questioned about my surname which ends in "enko" (typical Ukrainian).
I'm not going to come out yet, because I can't change anything openly, I will have to lie about myself and my goals in order to achieve what I want. But I will do it, and Russia will be a civilized country once more.
I do not get hurt or outed because of being Genderfluid since my mom is the only person who knows about it. But I have some other problems: we're Ukrainians, and Ukraine is Russia's enemy №2 (№1 are the USA, but I don't think they know about it
), so I've already been questioned about my surname which ends in "enko" (typical Ukrainian).I'm not going to come out yet, because I can't change anything openly, I will have to lie about myself and my goals in order to achieve what I want. But I will do it, and Russia will be a civilized country once more.
I am sure you already know this, but just in case, be very careful who you tell your secret to. All it takes is a person to get loose lips (not careful and letting it slip out), or to get a bit drunk at a party, or get angry at you, then the secret is out. I think you are smart about not coming out. I know that living a lie is very difficult, but at least you are alive.
I thought that some eastern Ukrainians consider themselves to be Russians, and isn't Crimea is now considered to be part of Russia (no one is stopper Russia). I would think that Russians would be friendly to Ukrainians who want to be Russian, but do not like Ukrainians who do not want to be Russian. The news we get is that much of the Ukraine desires to be independent of Russia, but many in the following oblasts desire to become part of Russia [2014 poll conducted by Kyiv International Institute of Sociology (KIIS)]:
41.0% Crimea
33.2% Donetsk Oblast
24.1% Luhansk Oblast
24.0% Odessa Oblast.
People do not need much of an excuse for violence and to kill others. Racial, religious and ethnic hatred is often taught to children, starting when the are babies. It was like this in Norther Ireland, between Protestants and Catholics. It did not matter that their religion forbade killing. As long as people can justify killing in the name of their God, it does not matter to them what atrocities they commit. In none of the oblasts listed above, does there seem to be a majority of the population seeking independence from Ukraine.
It is upsetting to see that American movies and TV tach kids that the best solution to any problem is violence. This seems a common message around the world. There are always many other options and compromises, which can be found through negotiations. Even in many marriages you see the people go straight to fighting and arguing, instead of negotiating. People are in a mode where they feel they must WIN, like it is a competition, but we people fight, both sides ultimately lose. Even in business young people are taught to be ruthless and without mercy. There was a time I lost complete faith in humanity, and I still do not have much. The good people of the world are downed-out by the loud, aggressive and violent people.
I thought that some eastern Ukrainians consider themselves to be Russians, and isn't Crimea is now considered to be part of Russia (no one is stopper Russia). I would think that Russians would be friendly to Ukrainians who want to be Russian, but do not like Ukrainians who do not want to be Russian. The news we get is that much of the Ukraine desires to be independent of Russia, but many in the following oblasts desire to become part of Russia [2014 poll conducted by Kyiv International Institute of Sociology (KIIS)]:
41.0% Crimea
33.2% Donetsk Oblast
24.1% Luhansk Oblast
24.0% Odessa Oblast.
People do not need much of an excuse for violence and to kill others. Racial, religious and ethnic hatred is often taught to children, starting when the are babies. It was like this in Norther Ireland, between Protestants and Catholics. It did not matter that their religion forbade killing. As long as people can justify killing in the name of their God, it does not matter to them what atrocities they commit. In none of the oblasts listed above, does there seem to be a majority of the population seeking independence from Ukraine.
It is upsetting to see that American movies and TV tach kids that the best solution to any problem is violence. This seems a common message around the world. There are always many other options and compromises, which can be found through negotiations. Even in many marriages you see the people go straight to fighting and arguing, instead of negotiating. People are in a mode where they feel they must WIN, like it is a competition, but we people fight, both sides ultimately lose. Even in business young people are taught to be ruthless and without mercy. There was a time I lost complete faith in humanity, and I still do not have much. The good people of the world are downed-out by the loud, aggressive and violent people.
Sorry for the late reply.
So this is how it all looks from the outside? Russian TV says that most of Ukrainians want to live in Russia, and my relatives in Donetsk say that neither them nor anybody they know want such a thing. I personally just want to live where I like and be able to say that I don't like something about that place, but in Russia criticism is considered "non-patriotic".
I also don't like pointless violence. There is some place for violence in movies, of course, but it is one thing when Freddy Krueger kills someone, because this is art, and we know he is a bad guy, and another when supposedly good people start murdering without any significant reason.
So this is how it all looks from the outside? Russian TV says that most of Ukrainians want to live in Russia, and my relatives in Donetsk say that neither them nor anybody they know want such a thing. I personally just want to live where I like and be able to say that I don't like something about that place, but in Russia criticism is considered "non-patriotic".
I also don't like pointless violence. There is some place for violence in movies, of course, but it is one thing when Freddy Krueger kills someone, because this is art, and we know he is a bad guy, and another when supposedly good people start murdering without any significant reason.
The old Soviet system used propaganda and false reporting to control the population, as is still done in places like North Korea. However, in places with widespread internet, this is less effective. But the internet is a generational thing in many countries, where only the young middle aged people get news from the internet. The Russian government puts a lot of resources into internet propaganda to influence both domestic and international opinions.
The trouble with violence in video games, movies and TV is that it does very much influence violence in the society, and people become desensitized to violence and almost expect it. Violence becomes the first response to disputes.
The trouble with violence in video games, movies and TV is that it does very much influence violence in the society, and people become desensitized to violence and almost expect it. Violence becomes the first response to disputes.
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