Comment on Last rays of splendour by ChildoftheBeat
I Have a few ideas I'd love to run past you if you don't mind and you don't feel you are wasting your time - I know it took too long for me to answer, but I am really very grateful for the critique (which was helpful and kind!)
1) I quite like the way the 2nd and third lines flow, but how about "crimson BESIDES the golden" to get rid of an 'and'?
2) To deal with the tense issues, what do you think of changing the first stanza to:
Dappled amber caressED green hands,
ComfortED the crimson and the golden,
Damaged and burnt -
At the setting of the sun.
that way, the poem flows from past tense to the present and on to the future tense?
3) I could replace the 'now' in the second line of the second stanza with 'at present' or 'presently' to avoid the two 'nows', but I feel it necessary to emphasise the timing, accent the start of that line - not sure... I struggled with the two 'nows' when I wrote it, can't quite seem to fix it as leaving it as it is has a more visceral appeal, even though the two 'nows' grate on you a little... Or replace the 'now' in the third line with 'then' or 'hence' ?
I've changed the Dim and grey" line as you suggested, but not added the 'of' to form 'use of' in the preceeding line, it didn't feel right to me.
And lastly, thank you again for the effort that went into the critique - and my way of REALLY saying sorry is to get on and sort this poem out now that I'm better ♥
1) I quite like the way the 2nd and third lines flow, but how about "crimson BESIDES the golden" to get rid of an 'and'?
2) To deal with the tense issues, what do you think of changing the first stanza to:
Dappled amber caressED green hands,
ComfortED the crimson and the golden,
Damaged and burnt -
At the setting of the sun.
that way, the poem flows from past tense to the present and on to the future tense?
3) I could replace the 'now' in the second line of the second stanza with 'at present' or 'presently' to avoid the two 'nows', but I feel it necessary to emphasise the timing, accent the start of that line - not sure... I struggled with the two 'nows' when I wrote it, can't quite seem to fix it as leaving it as it is has a more visceral appeal, even though the two 'nows' grate on you a little... Or replace the 'now' in the third line with 'then' or 'hence' ?
I've changed the Dim and grey" line as you suggested, but not added the 'of' to form 'use of' in the preceeding line, it didn't feel right to me.
And lastly, thank you again for the effort that went into the critique - and my way of REALLY saying sorry is to get on and sort this poem out now that I'm better ♥
1. I think 'besides' would work quite nicely. 
2. That would be good as well, though it's not too bad in its present form as well... perhaps even better to have that distinction from present to past. It does make more sense to go as chronological as you can, however.
3. I don't think 'at present' or 'presently' would make the stanza flow there. =/
Replacing the second one with "then" may not be too bad. Up to you there.
4. That's fine.
Not at all! I am glad to see you taking steps towards it all, but it wouldn't have been a bad thing if you hadn't.
2. That would be good as well, though it's not too bad in its present form as well... perhaps even better to have that distinction from present to past. It does make more sense to go as chronological as you can, however.
3. I don't think 'at present' or 'presently' would make the stanza flow there. =/
Replacing the second one with "then" may not be too bad. Up to you there.
4. That's fine.
Not at all! I am glad to see you taking steps towards it all, but it wouldn't have been a bad thing if you hadn't.