Comment on Premonition Blues by dead-now
The ending is a little saccharine but there's also some great imagery. I really liked for example:
The white ground reflected
city lights into the clouds:
a powder keg soundtrack
sitting on a camel's back.
the Dandelion standing stout
in a field of grey and soot.
I know I just said the ending was saccharine and it is but the phrase is actually really nicely constructed. It has a nice balance of something.
I like these lines because they're inventive images but easily grasped in the mind's eye. I don't interpret them in order to derive meaning so much as to derive feeling, and that's really cool.
Once again I don't think you do yourself justice. This is by no means an opus but it's a nicely constructed and really enjoyable piece. Thanks for posting!
The white ground reflected
city lights into the clouds:
a powder keg soundtrack
sitting on a camel's back.
the Dandelion standing stout
in a field of grey and soot.
I know I just said the ending was saccharine and it is but the phrase is actually really nicely constructed. It has a nice balance of something.
I like these lines because they're inventive images but easily grasped in the mind's eye. I don't interpret them in order to derive meaning so much as to derive feeling, and that's really cool.
Once again I don't think you do yourself justice. This is by no means an opus but it's a nicely constructed and really enjoyable piece. Thanks for posting!
It really is a bit forcefully making a statement, I admit. I actually whipped out the last half in mere minutes, so I was hoping that putting it up here would allow for people to provide suggestions on how to tighten this up a bit.
I appreciate you always taking the time to consider the work that I put up. Your suggestions are also very much appreciated, so thank you very much.
I appreciate you always taking the time to consider the work that I put up. Your suggestions are also very much appreciated, so thank you very much.
Ahh, yes. I see exactly what you mean. Allowing the absence of people to manifest itself through the actual absence from the piece is quite a lovely tactic. I suppose I was trying a bit too much to make it 'shocking' or blunt.
Well said, mate. Let me mull over this for a while and try to figure out how to get it to work.
Well said, mate. Let me mull over this for a while and try to figure out how to get it to work.
Rockin'.
I think 'show don't tell' is a pretty awesome poetry tactic in any situation.
I think 'show don't tell' is a pretty awesome poetry tactic in any situation.
I agree. I greatly appreciate your input.