Comment on Soldier - a fragment by *hesir[parent]

strange; and i like it.
may i ask how he came upon the cell-phone piece, or would that ruin the story? ...it goes very smoothly, as short as it is; really i wish there were more.

Ah, the cell phone... well, that will be explained later (I hope!)... I know who it belongs to, and how he lost it... but the fine details will be worked out in the various "Hesirion" fragments as they are posted... the guy who owns it will appear in the next fragment called "Czarican"... as for more, the two other fragments "Nemiah" and "Fynn" are part of the same set of shorts.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and comment, glad you liked it.

h.

You introduce the character well, and the description is pretty smooth and thorough. There are a few grammar mistakes, but I'm sure you'll catch them eventually. Is this piece part of a larger one, or are you going to continue it?

--
I read to write, and I post my writing to be read
Enlighten my life with your presence in it

you're very welcome; i await the next piece eagerly.

Editing:

"A cloud, the shape of a river bloated corpse, drifted lazily across the evening sky." river-bloated

"Far below, its sluggish progress was noticed and as quickly dismissed by a ragged cloaked soldier." ragged

"Short well made boots unfurnished with spurs, unusual for this country, tramped the beaten earth road."
Short, well-made

"Loose fitting hosen of black buckskin, strapped to the knee in the fashion of the northlander mercenaries, again rare for this country, showed a thick layer of dry dust from the sun blasted soil." Loose-fitting ; sun-blasted

"His left arm and shoulder were further protected by a mismatched set of plate. His left hand, sheathed in a battered gauntlet the quality of which could still be seen from the remaining silver inlay, rested upon the heavy unfussy pommel of his long straight sword." heavy, unfussy ; long, striaght

"Well balanced, and with its blade honed on both sides to a razors edge it was a butcher’s tool, so unlike the dress swords worn by most of Al-Khetir’s courtiers." razor's-- although I wouldn't personally use "razor's edge", as a razor edge on a sword that used for hacking, as the description tells me this one is, wouldn't hold up. It'd crumble. If your going for competence here, perhaps "keen" or some other variant.

"The coif of his mail coat hung loose over the gathered hood of his mud spattered black cloak, the leather fastening straps flapping in the dying wind about a palm sized brazen clasp, fashioned in the shape of a raven." mud-splatted ; the second clause, the bit with the leather fastening straps and the clasp doesn't read so well; the "about" throws it off, although I believe I understand what you're getting at.

"His head, bare of a helmet or cap, showed his long salt and pepper hair, a gathering of which was shaped into the topknot so favoured by the tribesmen of the Cuimmi and the Whiddermen of the sleet whipped North." sleet-whipped

"The rest was gathered loosely below the nape into an unruly plait that hung to his waist. Unshaven, broken nosed and lined with half a dozen scars, some of which cut into his beard, his face was not that of a man used to a soft existence." broken-nosed

"Yet for all that he was not an ugly man. His grey-green eyes showed wit and intellect, and his few friends, scattered as they were to the far north and east, would no doubt vouch that on the rare occasions that he chose to smile it belied a warmth of character that softened his usual feral looks." If he's smiling, it doesn't "belie" a warmth of character. It belies his feral look. Belie: to show to be false.

"Across his back was slung a plain leather bag, a canvas sack filled with arrows and a painted black war bow that from bone tip to bone tip measured a full hands breadth taller than its owner, the bone knocks again wrought into the shape of ravens." arrows, and ; hand's breadth

"The first of these housed a common bone handled knife, typical of a soldier, and used for his everyday needs of cutting hempen rope, trimming leather straps and eating his food." straps,

"Every so often as he marched the soldier would reach his closed right hand and nudge the buckler as if to try and cover the dragon handled blade, but the action of his walking would invariably cause it to reappear." marched,

"His right hand, itself sheathed in a black leather glove that reached half way to his mail-covered elbow, never unclenched, gripped fast around an object more curious and exotic than the soldier and the dragon wrought knife put together." dragon-wrought

"Somewhere above, the corpse shaped cloud slowly transformed itself into the likeness of a sprinting hare and continued its journey west, while far below a ragged cloaked soldier walked south towards a city." ragged, cloaked

/Editing.

The "river-bloated corpse" analogy immediately caught my attention. I like how it played out as well, the symmetry of it. And the bit about the mobile phone is puzzling.

A bit of advice, though. You use "well something" a lot. Perhaps try to find another way to word it? It's a good phrase, yes, but you don't want to overuse it.

--
"This isn't a hobby, this is a disorder."