Personally, I have a hard time writing poetry where its meter is open, I always like to tie it down and make the words conform to a pattern, so rarely do I really appreciate open poetry, but I like it in this case. I think it lends itself to the sort of story/incident youre writing about. I do think though, that it kindof leave the reader hanging. Im not quite sure whats beginning to roar, but its got me wondering.

--

Es tut mir leid aber Tschuss,
Maxx VonKalkmann

that sounds like a passionate poem

--
Ya malen'kaya dusha, nosyashyaya za soboy nechego bol'she chem telo.. ~
~ rephrased from Marcus Aurelius

it made me shiver. thats good. i like it. i dont know exactly what to say to be critical....it made me react to it, so i think its successful.

--
,___,
[¬.¬]
/)__)
-"--"-

those last two lines really caught me
it made me hold my breath in anticipation
i love the absence of pattern in your poem
the choppiness really gives it an... anxious feel
i don't really know how to critique this... i really like
the message really communicates itself to me, i can almost put myself in your shoes
it's so nice that i can't stop myself from reading it over and over and over and over again @___@

--
It's not that I hate you, I just really don't like you

My age =
(1+1)x(1+1+1+1+1)-((1+1+1)x(1+1+1))
+1+1+1+((1+1)x(1+1))+1+1+((1+1+1)x(1
+1+1))+1+1-((1+1)x(1+1))+1

yea, you're a rhyming whore.


whore!
WHORE!


(hehe, and now you're legal.... )

--
(Dark-eyed Boy, sing me the blues
your sweet southern blues;
I will always want you.)

I cant help it!
And btw, this poem is by Thomas from my party. Watch him or else! Not really, but *coughleaveacommentonthepoemnotmywhorenes smkay?cough*

--

Es tut mir leid aber Tschuss,
Maxx VonKalkmann

*gasps* since when am I YOUR bitch?!

*bites* Bad!

--
(Dark-eyed Boy, sing me the blues
your sweet southern blues;
I will always want you.)

Suggestions:

"it begins with a tender word,
any little word,
spoken softly ___some conjunction____
let to die.
But failing that, it begins to echo (either a comma or "with" here)
each repetition somewhat stronger than the last
until the whisper is spoken with force,
then SCREAMED.

I shake to dispel the sound,
and it flees
but not for long <--- I'd rewrite this line... 1) you've used but twice now, and it's not the strongest conjunction, also, it reads a bit awk for me with the next line.
it finds its way again to my mind’s ear
to gently purr its affection
before it starts to roar.

--
(Dark-eyed Boy, sing me the blues
your sweet southern blues;
I will always want you.)

Thanks for the feedback, i'll consider some of the points you made. As for some of the punctuation, i left most of the lines open at the end so that the reader wouldn't be constricted to end stops. But thanks for the suggestions.

--
“The world is beautiful, but has a disease called man” -Friedrich Nietzsche