You've got some really nice imagery in here--I like "sugary-cinnamon air" because Christmas really does have such a distinctive smell--but I'm not sure about how often thoughts/sentences flow into new lines and even new stanzas. I don't think there's anything wrong with that in principle, but some read a little oddly to me. For example: "The sun dips, modest, / as the stars twirl in // apprehension of / the moon's arrival." I can't help but read "as the stars twirl in" as something along the lines of "the stars twirl in[, arriving for the night.]" when in fact they "twirl in [apprehension]." As it is, the stanzas feel a little arbitrary: they don't seem to serve any purpose beyond breaking the poem into sets of six lines.
But on the other hand, I think elements of this work very well. I like the sort of internal rhyme you get by spreading "wayward" across two lines. I suspect it may be more of an issue between stanzas than between lines, so you might like to fiddle with some of the sentences and see if there's any way you can avoid having them flow across stanzas. One possible change I can see is for "calms long-labored nerves // and lifts worlds..." If you put a full stop after "nerves," you could start the next stanza with something like "Joy lifts worlds..." which might be somewhat more complete.
All in all, though, this is a lovely read and fits very nicely with the prompt.
Congratulations on the Daily Lit Deviation! It's well deserved.
But on the other hand, I think elements of this work very well. I like the sort of internal rhyme you get by spreading "wayward" across two lines. I suspect it may be more of an issue between stanzas than between lines, so you might like to fiddle with some of the sentences and see if there's any way you can avoid having them flow across stanzas. One possible change I can see is for "calms long-labored nerves // and lifts worlds..." If you put a full stop after "nerves," you could start the next stanza with something like "Joy lifts worlds..." which might be somewhat more complete.All in all, though, this is a lovely read and fits very nicely with the prompt.
Congratulations on the Daily Lit Deviation! It's well deserved.
Thank you! I understand what you are saying. And I sort of feel the same way. However, it's written as a companion to the original "Holiday Tableau," so I decided it made sense to write it in the same form. "Tableau" is a fixed form of poetry that consists of 6 line stanzas having 5 syllables per line. Which is why it is broken up the way it is.
But again, thank you for the in-depth comment!
But again, thank you for the in-depth comment!
I was thinking more along the lines of fitting individual ideas inside stanzas, rather than joining the stanzas together. I agree that it only makes sense for the companion piece to be written in the same form as the original, but I believe stanzas are supposed to cover one thought/point/subject, much the same as a paragraph in prose. That is to say, I don't think a Tableau should be "broken up" into sets of six lines, five syllables so much as neatly divided into sets of six lines, five syllables. 
Holiday Tableau is exactly the sort of thing I'm thinking about. Four subjects for four stanzas: tinsel that doesn't shine, litter scattered around, unwanted wrapping/gifts, pleasant coffee and resolutions. Each one says all it needs to say and doesn't run over, though they're still nicely connected. I gather it might be difficult to condense down your ideas for this one in that way, but I think that would give it some extra polish.
Holiday Tableau is exactly the sort of thing I'm thinking about. Four subjects for four stanzas: tinsel that doesn't shine, litter scattered around, unwanted wrapping/gifts, pleasant coffee and resolutions. Each one says all it needs to say and doesn't run over, though they're still nicely connected. I gather it might be difficult to condense down your ideas for this one in that way, but I think that would give it some extra polish.
Yea, I know what you mean. But I wrote this without the form and then later decided to make it the companion piece and broke it up to fit the form. And frankly, was just too lazy to re-write it to the point where it made proper sense within the form. I don't have time to revisit it, and this piece doesn't mean enough to me to make time for it. *shrugs*
I know the feeling--just figured I should clarify my first point. It's still a good poem as it is.
It's still a good poem as it is.