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All Deviations

Comment on Raspberries by ~barswanian[parent]

~barswanian:iconbarswanian: Aug 18, 2006, 2:14:25 AM
Hmm...does it make sense for it to be read, "They serve as garnish, fare gourmets would weep over?" The "fare" isn't meant to be the raspberries...they're only garnish on top of it.

Anyways, I don't do this kind of poem often, so thanks much :)

The last stanza's been the one I've questioned the most...I like the metaphor, but does the switch from food to geography fit?

Thanks much for the help. I'll be giving that comma some thought, once I get my noggin around the idea a bit more.

--
Yeah, in kyrgyzstan.

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Devious Comments

~illyria-godking:iconillyria-godking: Aug 5, 2006, 3:56:13 AM
That's lovely. Your ability to craft stunning images is amazing.

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I'm a member of =DeviantDolls and *VisualLit, are you?

The Scraps...where poems go to be improved with advanced critique.
~benevolentsoul:iconbenevolentsoul: Aug 6, 2006, 2:08:49 AM
"They serve as garnish on fare gourmets would weep over."

The above line has me confused. The preposition "on" is modifying the verb "fare", if you get rid of "on" I think it will flow more readily. Repalce it with a comma and call it a day.

The last stanza is metaphorically superb, even if the thing it is ruminating upon is not. Regardless, the writing itself is solid and the diction is excellent.

Keep up the most excellent work!

- Keegan
~barswanian:iconbarswanian: Aug 18, 2006, 2:14:25 AM
Hmm...does it make sense for it to be read, "They serve as garnish, fare gourmets would weep over?" The "fare" isn't meant to be the raspberries...they're only garnish on top of it.

Anyways, I don't do this kind of poem often, so thanks much :)

The last stanza's been the one I've questioned the most...I like the metaphor, but does the switch from food to geography fit?

Thanks much for the help. I'll be giving that comma some thought, once I get my noggin around the idea a bit more.

--
Yeah, in kyrgyzstan.

Leave a message after the.