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Apr 5, 2007, 9:12:29 PM
Apr 5, 2007, 9:12:29 PM
Yay! You indeed listened! 
"Everyone else out in the orchards taunted me daily singing their songs and floating through the trees." I think in the original, you had it something like, the people seemed to be taunting the person. This one sounds like the others went out of their way to pick on him. Just wondering if that's how you want it to sound... it just seems like the others are just out of the blue being cruel to the person.
"I stopped showing up to work." maybe for work instead of to work? dunno why that sounds better.
"I went to the outskirts of Balloon Pickers Country, to the ovens where circus clowns are made. " It's an evil tense shift!!! are to were
"At first it was pumping the living red wind into them, and then it was working at the ovens themselves. I declined both, " this is a little confusing.. this sounds like he worked those jobs, moving from one to the next ... but then it goes on to say he turned them down like he never tried them, he just flat out said nope. So to me at least, it sounds a little contradictory as to what is going on.
"I made sure no one realized that. " This sentence still kind of confuses me... how did he make sure no one realized that? In the original, it sounded almost like a threat but now it seems toned down a bit, which is good.
"Why did I have to be the only one like that? " that to this I think here.
"I set out to find others as dissatisfied as me." I think dissatisfied may not be the best word here... considering how depressed and unhappy the character was, maybe use a more harsh word than dissatisfied.
"As soon as I left, I'm sure they conveniently forgot something like me could (ever?) exist. "
"I found nothing but true loneliness, and it wasn't long after I gave up my search (,) that I give up hope (,) too. Maybe I took it (this is referring back to search, but I don't see how thoughts of suicide suddenly pop into the character's mind. Maybe stick a sentence in there emphasizing how unhappy he is.. also he has a family... what happened to them?) too far, but I'd heard over and over again that stale balloons were poisonous. "
" I was a menace to the society of Balloon Pickers Country. " Something is not right with this sentence... perhaps missing a word in there somewhere.
"We all made fools of ourselves that day, and I heard honest answers from people for the first time. " This is confusing... are you talking about the people pursuing or the people he is taking advantage of?
"It was expensive after the first two samples, but it was necessary. " Not really sure what It is in this sentence... a little confused.
"Whatever fates are out there knew what was best for me, even if it was torture." Tense shift! are to were
Interesting story, though I still think there are some parts that have tense shifting issues... I'm tired and just read through your story rather quickly and didn't have the brain power to pick them all out, just a few blaring ones. I just realized, reading it the second time, that there is no one mention of the man's family! He just wandered off one day, eh? lol
Anyhow, very nice on the corrections... almost got rid of all the nasty problems!
Hope this helps!
--
I never realized the world was so empty
Until I learned to fly.
"Everyone else out in the orchards taunted me daily singing their songs and floating through the trees." I think in the original, you had it something like, the people seemed to be taunting the person. This one sounds like the others went out of their way to pick on him. Just wondering if that's how you want it to sound... it just seems like the others are just out of the blue being cruel to the person.
"I stopped showing up to work." maybe for work instead of to work? dunno why that sounds better.
"I went to the outskirts of Balloon Pickers Country, to the ovens where circus clowns are made. " It's an evil tense shift!!! are to were
"At first it was pumping the living red wind into them, and then it was working at the ovens themselves. I declined both, " this is a little confusing.. this sounds like he worked those jobs, moving from one to the next ... but then it goes on to say he turned them down like he never tried them, he just flat out said nope. So to me at least, it sounds a little contradictory as to what is going on.
"I made sure no one realized that. " This sentence still kind of confuses me... how did he make sure no one realized that? In the original, it sounded almost like a threat but now it seems toned down a bit, which is good.
"Why did I have to be the only one like that? " that to this I think here.
"I set out to find others as dissatisfied as me." I think dissatisfied may not be the best word here... considering how depressed and unhappy the character was, maybe use a more harsh word than dissatisfied.
"As soon as I left, I'm sure they conveniently forgot something like me could (ever?) exist. "
"I found nothing but true loneliness, and it wasn't long after I gave up my search (,) that I give up hope (,) too. Maybe I took it (this is referring back to search, but I don't see how thoughts of suicide suddenly pop into the character's mind. Maybe stick a sentence in there emphasizing how unhappy he is.. also he has a family... what happened to them?) too far, but I'd heard over and over again that stale balloons were poisonous. "
" I was a menace to the society of Balloon Pickers Country. " Something is not right with this sentence... perhaps missing a word in there somewhere.
"We all made fools of ourselves that day, and I heard honest answers from people for the first time. " This is confusing... are you talking about the people pursuing or the people he is taking advantage of?
"It was expensive after the first two samples, but it was necessary. " Not really sure what It is in this sentence... a little confused.
"Whatever fates are out there knew what was best for me, even if it was torture." Tense shift! are to were
Interesting story, though I still think there are some parts that have tense shifting issues... I'm tired and just read through your story rather quickly and didn't have the brain power to pick them all out, just a few blaring ones. I just realized, reading it the second time, that there is no one mention of the man's family! He just wandered off one day, eh? lol
Anyhow, very nice on the corrections... almost got rid of all the nasty problems!
Hope this helps!
--
I never realized the world was so empty
Until I learned to fly.
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Devious Comments
"I went the highest and the longest,(instead use ; ) songs never failing me."
"They were cheery enough to spread to others, and it was like a choir out there sometimes." Place "sometimes" earlier in the sentence for easier reading or even reword it, eg. 'and on some days it was like a choir..."
"And then one day I ran out of songs." Do not start a sentence with 'and.'
"The words were lost to me. The rhythm. The tune." Fragments... should be put in proper sentences.
"I recognized the words. I remembered them. But I couldn't sing them anymore." This could be rewritten as a single sentence. Try to avoid starting a sentence with 'but.'
"I tried night after night-- (use one dash on either side) and oh (comma?) did I try!--to write a new song, to catch the rhythm again. But it always escaped me." Attach the "But" to the previous sentence.
"I was lost. Tired. My heart sank into a small grave after a week of this." Maybe turn this into one sentence.
"The thing that had been my life--aside from picking balloons (comma) of course--was lost to me. " One dash on either side.
"Everyone else out in the orchards taunted me daily with their songs and floating (tense shift I think, floated?) through the trees."
"I couldn't stand it anymore." It? Reference to what? unclear.
"Surely it couldn't have been anything other than that. " Another unclear reference. It?
"I tried to find another job. Something to keep me busy so I wouldn't wallow in my own self-pity. " Fragmented sentence (2nd one). Add onto first sentence?
"Why could they be so happy when I wasn't?" Tense shift.
"They offered me a job there. At first (comma) it was pumping the living red wind into them, and then it was working at the ovens themselves." 'They' is an unclear reference. They who?
"I suggested a job there after I turned the other two down." What do you mean by this? Unclear sentence or perhaps reference?
"I was a janitor, of sorts. Not every clown made it out of the ovens intact. I made sure no one realized that. " This could be combined to make one sentence perhaps, and its unclear/confusing as to what is being talked about... "I made sure no one realized that." Why? If it was important to mention, fill the reader in on it.
"But (avoid 'but' at the beginning of sentence) soon it wore on me, being there with those smiling clowns and cheerful workers. I had to leave, (minus comma) to keep what was left of my sanity intact."
"People who paid attention would say (tense shift) I turned into a hermit then."
"I locked myself away, my thoughts my only companion." I cannot place what sounds off about this...
"Why should I be (tense shift)the only one like this? Could there be (tense shift) others somewhere out there, in this broad country of balloon pickers?"
"Surely song had abandoned others (comma) too. I couldn't be (tense shift) that unique, that special. So I thought, and so I believed. (add this sentence to the previous for a full thought)"
"They thought I was a freak, an alien to their perfect lives." Reword after comma... sounds funny.
"As soon as I left, I'm (tense shift) sure they conveniently forgot something like me existed."
"I found nothing but true lonliness (spelling), and it (unclear reference, what is 'it?') didn't take long after I gave up my search to give up hope (comma) too. Maybe I took it too far then, but I'd heard over and over again that stale balloons were poisonous. (This is a sudden jump in subject matter, explain a little better why it led up to this mode of thinking, and try not to start the sentence with 'maybe')"
"It (unclear reference) didn't matter that the songs had left me, (and?) that I was alone in this country without joy in life. It (unclear reference) was the most wonderful thing that had happened to me."
"I collected the fermenting (tense shift?) ones, hiding (tense shift) them away so they could ripen for my purposes. I even began skimming (tense shift) some from the good crops when I couldn't find enough. The more I gathered, the more alcohol I could distill and (minus 'and,' add comma) bottle (comma) and save away." I think there is a lot of tense confusion here...
anyways.. ran out of time.. and didn't quite finish... I'm by no means correct in all the things I suggest changing or adding. Perhaps they could just be guidelines offered for improvement? I think I got a little nit-picky, sorry!
--
I never realized the world was so empty
Until I learned to fly.
--
Stone: (handcuffing me) "Don't think this is getting you out of making a statement."
Me: "Damnit, my plan failed."
"I barely survived my own boring life!"
--
How fearful a thing to love what death can touch. Ars longa, vita brevis.
--
How fearful a thing to love what death can touch. Ars longa, vita brevis.
Thanks much for the comments, and I look forward to hearing more critique!
--
Stone: (handcuffing me) "Don't think this is getting you out of making a statement."
Me: "Damnit, my plan failed."
"I barely survived my own boring life!"
--
Knowledge is the key to prosperity..and the only way to truly be free...
my partners in crime and my stock account*Irie-Stock
my doodle art ~Irie-Images
so ya say you like ocean waves? *Impact-Zone
--
Stone: (handcuffing me) "Don't think this is getting you out of making a statement."
Me: "Damnit, my plan failed."
"I barely survived my own boring life!"
--
Knowledge is the key to prosperity..and the only way to truly be free...
my partners in crime and my stock account*Irie-Stock
my doodle art ~Irie-Images
so ya say you like ocean waves? *Impact-Zone
--
How fearful a thing to love what death can touch. Ars longa, vita brevis.
You're very welcome
--
I never realized the world was so empty
Until I learned to fly.
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