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Aug 27, 2007, 12:10:47 PM
Aug 27, 2007, 12:10:47 PM
Hmmm, Well I like the premise. A few things that bothered me
Skin tight B.D.U.s? am I supposed to know what that is?
You're trying to paint a picture, but the dialog seems heavy handed to me. Instead of guiding me to my own conclusions, you bash me over the head with facts. It takes you out of the story, do we really need to know it's a 9mm Berretta?
The "voice" of mort in this piece seems fairly casual, like he was all "oh my god, you had to see it!" Just relating what happened isn't enough to evoke feeling in your reader.
I saw the zombie thing a mile away
But yea, try it again, I'd read it.
--
Oh noose, bandisht...!
Skin tight B.D.U.s? am I supposed to know what that is?
You're trying to paint a picture, but the dialog seems heavy handed to me. Instead of guiding me to my own conclusions, you bash me over the head with facts. It takes you out of the story, do we really need to know it's a 9mm Berretta?
The "voice" of mort in this piece seems fairly casual, like he was all "oh my god, you had to see it!" Just relating what happened isn't enough to evoke feeling in your reader.
I saw the zombie thing a mile away
But yea, try it again, I'd read it.
--
Oh noose, bandisht...!
Community News96 The "Banned Books" Contest: Fight Censorship!`GeneratingHype
 reports, 20h 19m agoSpeak out against Banned Books! Fight censorship! Participate in this contest! ALA's Banned Books Week: 27 September - 4 October 2008 85 Artist Relations Newsletter - September$Moonbeam13
 reports, 2h 55m agoNews from the Artist Relations team 81 Red Dreams (+200 Portraits and red hair)=TheNightSheDied
 reports, 22h 59m agoThe most gorgeous portraits of red haired girls. 65 The Best Of Fantasy Art - Summer 2008*Enchantedforest
 reports, 20h 50m ago*Enchantedforest is a community about fairies and other fantasy creatures that can be found in the woodlands! Here are the Best Of Fantasy Art for the Summer, among the deviations submitted into our gallery. You'll find here Every medias, so look closely at the thumbs and visit the artists' gallery! Enjoy and fave the ORIGINAL deviations you like, browse the galleries of the artists you love and devwatch them! |
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With a gallery that takes you on a journey into another world, `spyroteknik has firmly secured a place as one of the top artists within our community. Always willing to participate in events as well as providing critique and guidance to members in such a humble yet inspiring manner is a quality which deserves recognition. So it's with great pleasure that we award this month's Deviousness to Martin Bland. Read More
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Devious Comments
Skin tight B.D.U.s? am I supposed to know what that is?
You're trying to paint a picture, but the dialog seems heavy handed to me. Instead of guiding me to my own conclusions, you bash me over the head with facts. It takes you out of the story, do we really need to know it's a 9mm Berretta?
The "voice" of mort in this piece seems fairly casual, like he was all "oh my god, you had to see it!" Just relating what happened isn't enough to evoke feeling in your reader.
I saw the zombie thing a mile away
But yea, try it again, I'd read it.
--
Oh noose, bandisht...!
--
Loves life
--
Oh noose, bandisht...!
--
Loves life
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