Comment on I dance in clown shoes. by `zephyrkinetic[parent]

You compose your conversations.
Haphazardly gesturing with whatever you hold,
ending arguments with a flourish.
Make a point, now whirl, quickly.

Haphazardly doesn't work there for me, I mean the definition matches but it wrecks the flow, might wanna sub a word with 1-2 less syllables.

Make it impossible to counter with your unpunctuation.
You duck and weave, spin, sidestep, pirouette:
One, two, one, two, faster, harder, stronger.
You leave me confused and two steps back,

I don't like unpuctuation, the two prefix' in that line make it a confusing and difficult read. I do, on the other hand, like the two middle lines. The rapid succesion of words creates an urgency and at the same time a graceful meter.

And if I catch up, if I make a point,
you spin again, a trail of words falling like pixie dust
as you make your escape.

IMO, I think "as you make your escape" should be shortened and joined with the line above it. It just seems a little awkward and disjointed from the line that modifys it.

And as you storm out, you slam the period behind you,
Ending your sentence with a door.
And I must follow you, my thuds down the stairs preceding my statement,
trying to catch up before the page break.
Now I capitalize a W, and follow with an a, i, t.
And you pause, spin, speak, gesture, spin, continue.
A waltz to counter my four-four.


I like the representation of the slamming door as a period, very clever. I also like the idea of the rapid spewing of verbs in the "as you pause" line.

You don't dance your words-
you speak a dance.
You speak a dance Baryshnikov couldn't follow.
You rapidly reverse the rythm,
changing tempo in a blur of sound,
conducting your opus with hands to match.
Then, as you end your symphony, you bow.
You bow your head, turn on the car, and drive away.
And my two left feet shuffle me back inside,
your concert still ringing in my ears.

I don't like the allusion to Baryshnikov, its sorta threw in there it seems, almost seems a tad pedant. I do like the juxtzposition of bowing for a performance and bowing your head in disappointment.

All toghether, a very good poem with only a few "glitches"

"I also like the idea of the rapid spewing of verbs in the "as you pause" line."

It was more about trying to write in three-three time, aka a "waltz" meter. Thanks for the criticisms. If I can come up with a one or two syllable synonym for "haphazardly," I'll definetely change it. It bothered me, too.

i always liked this poem. the imagery is wonderful.

<3.

Aw, shucks. Thanks, hon.

i will admit to persistantly missing the point with most poetry (says the guy with a final A2 english lit&lang exam to take tomorrow morning) but i must say i do enjoy this- using the semantic field of dance jargon (ugh. i hate language terminology. it's happening and i have no control!) is really effective and im really pleased you felt my photo best suited this

lol. The semantic field of dance jargon?
Why, if I didn't know better, I'd think you pompous!
Kidding.
Thanks very much.

--
_{[Align Thyself] [Read Me]
"Think of him as a sharp edge that doesn't compromise." =Prince-des-Sots}

And if I catch up, if I make a point,
you spin again, a trail of words falling like pixie dust
as you make your escape.
And as you storm out, you slam the period behind you,


incredible phrasing and imagery...
remarkably done.

I normally hate poetry but this is pretty damn good. I know someone who fights like that....and the picture is just fantastic.

--
"One must have chaos in one's self to give birth to a dancing star."

I didn't take the picture, unfortunately.
Thank you, though.

--
_{[Align Thyself] [Read Me]
"Think of him as a sharp edge that doesn't compromise." =Prince-des-Sots}

i love the shoes!! i also like how it is black and white!!! very good shot.....