Some people have been asking me about this stuff so I decided to gather all information in one single article on how to make your own portfolio, in a profesional and clean looking way. I hope it's useful, because these steps I myself take.
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~ljinx
Jan 28, 2008, 4:47:01 PM
Jan 28, 2008, 4:47:01 PM
Not to burst your bubble, but you really have to learn to create and set your scenes and atmospheres here. At the moment the story is very much going, A did this to B who went to C... etc.
I can tell the tone is meant to be a dark one and since I am not very good at explaining my criticism here, I will provide an example:
Your story says "Suddenly she lunged the knife into his chest and said
“Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier. I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends."Suddenly the man just stood up without hesitation, and pulled out the knife."
The problem I have with this scene is 1) the man has just been stabbed and doesn't react (we sort of figure this out later, but...) 2) In no way does Faith react to this bizarre development. She's a 'soldier', if she stabs someone, she expects them to die.
A better way of writing this scene may be the following: "Her would-be assailant cried out pitifully as she plunged the knife in. Snarling she replied, "Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier." Twisting the knife deeper she drew him closer and whispered in his ear, "I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends."
Her captor began to laugh. Faith had only a moment to register her surprise before his accomplices leaped from the shadows."
(not perfect, I know!) This shows Faith's malice towards her assailant, it is also a good set-up for the man to toy with Faith by fooling her into thinking he was actually hurt, when in fact he isn't - smacks of evil.
Hope that helped, if the writing improves, this could be an interesting tale.
LJ.
--
Procrastinators Unite!
My Artwork: [link]
I can tell the tone is meant to be a dark one and since I am not very good at explaining my criticism here, I will provide an example:
Your story says "Suddenly she lunged the knife into his chest and said
“Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier. I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends."Suddenly the man just stood up without hesitation, and pulled out the knife."
The problem I have with this scene is 1) the man has just been stabbed and doesn't react (we sort of figure this out later, but...) 2) In no way does Faith react to this bizarre development. She's a 'soldier', if she stabs someone, she expects them to die.
A better way of writing this scene may be the following: "Her would-be assailant cried out pitifully as she plunged the knife in. Snarling she replied, "Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier." Twisting the knife deeper she drew him closer and whispered in his ear, "I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends."
Her captor began to laugh. Faith had only a moment to register her surprise before his accomplices leaped from the shadows."
(not perfect, I know!) This shows Faith's malice towards her assailant, it is also a good set-up for the man to toy with Faith by fooling her into thinking he was actually hurt, when in fact he isn't - smacks of evil.
Hope that helped, if the writing improves, this could be an interesting tale.
LJ.
--
Procrastinators Unite! My Artwork: [link]
Community News131 The LOL Corner [#26]$Tachy-on
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Devious Comments
that sentence reads "funny"...please change it...
second, u've got to work on your spacing and how you have divided up your paragraphs (though we've all been guilty of this writing sin at least once)...
there are several minor "word usage" mistakes such as using "of" instead of "off"...
and lastly check it over for grammer...
*hope this helps*
--
[link] if u loves raven join this new fledgeling club
I can tell the tone is meant to be a dark one and since I am not very good at explaining my criticism here, I will provide an example:
Your story says "Suddenly she lunged the knife into his chest and said
“Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier. I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends."Suddenly the man just stood up without hesitation, and pulled out the knife."
The problem I have with this scene is 1) the man has just been stabbed and doesn't react (we sort of figure this out later, but...) 2) In no way does Faith react to this bizarre development. She's a 'soldier', if she stabs someone, she expects them to die.
A better way of writing this scene may be the following: "Her would-be assailant cried out pitifully as she plunged the knife in. Snarling she replied, "Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier." Twisting the knife deeper she drew him closer and whispered in his ear, "I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends."
Her captor began to laugh. Faith had only a moment to register her surprise before his accomplices leaped from the shadows."
(not perfect, I know!) This shows Faith's malice towards her assailant, it is also a good set-up for the man to toy with Faith by fooling her into thinking he was actually hurt, when in fact he isn't - smacks of evil.
Hope that helped, if the writing improves, this could be an interesting tale.
LJ.
--
My Artwork: [link]
Looking foreword to the continuation
-
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
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Why is a raven like a writing desk?
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