Comment on Lysanthy by ~starluver[top] [parent]

Interesting story so far. Thanks for giving me the chance to read it Please do continue

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~pinkuz~ Do you Gaia?

I will and Thanks for readin!!!

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I am a fan of revenge.

Toothpaste is soap for your teeth.

[link] < helpful link

wow, this is so good! I love the way its written, everything is so detailed. The story itself is so interesting already, I look forward to reading more about them~ next chapter, gogogo~!

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~fluffybuttproduction
Timcampy at ~Black-Order

Artists Against the Orphan Works bill->[link]
SayaMiki is forever 7/15~

thanks!!! Just for ya, I'll put up the third ch. soon!!!

--
I am a fan of revenge.

Toothpaste is soap for your teeth.

[link] < helpful link

yay~! Can't wait!

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~fluffybuttproduction
Timcampy at ~Black-Order

Artists Against the Orphan Works bill->[link]
SayaMiki is forever 7/15~

Wow, it looks like you've got a great storyline going on here! I just might have to go ahead and read Chapter two now.

I do have a suggestion or two though, but I don't know if you want that sort of thing. :/

1. This would be easier to read if you separated the dialog and text with a double space. (Like how I'm doing my paragraphing in this comment.)

See?

2. The line: "His mood softened greatly towards the girl as he thought sympathetically, She's just like me." might word better if the thoughts were in italics. It flows better in my mind, at any rate...

Okay, now I'm off to chapter two. ;D

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"Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black" - Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard

I've actually thought about both things you've suggested here. :3 And I have actually rewritten chapter one and just need to upload it. thanku for reading and thanks so much for the suggestions!!

--
I am a fan of revenge.

Toothpaste is soap for your teeth.

[link] < helpful link

Hey, no problem! You'd better upload that revised version for me to read.

--
"Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black" - Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard

ok ok

--
I am a fan of revenge.

Toothpaste is soap for your teeth.

[link] < helpful link