Comment on The Final Freedom of a Martyr by ~ArubanoTribalFire[top] [parent]

This poem is made of awesome! ^^

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~*~ gina

And heres my critique:

First off, I really like it the way it is, but if I had to change it, I would increase the emphasis on the "freedom" he has in the last stanza.

And in the third when it says his freedom has "escaped," it seems to me like that this freedom being taken from him then is different from the freedom that stays with him in the end, so I'd find a way to distiguish the difference

--
~*~ gina

As, I've said. It's very good. I concur with gina.

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Who can hate love when Love begets Hate?

I think you should take a look at this. It's rather brilliant(click below)
click here


Feel The *RawEm0tion burn in

If it looks like awesome, smells like awesome, it must be...

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Religion comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable.

Worker of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

Porta den man di Dios, porta den man di mi. Todo el mundo, hasi semper fuerte e nos is por biba e din cielo.

Ok,

For the first one how do you mean put emphasis on it? Like he is still holding onto the last shards of the freedom he once had?

And second, initially it was the freedom of rights that he lost when he lost his right to protest. The freedom that stays with him until the end is the freedom to be whomsoever he wants to be. So I'm guessing you just want me to make that a little clearer? hmm...thats a toughie but sure I'll go ahead and try :-D

--
Religion comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable.

Worker of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

Porta den man di Dios, porta den man di mi. Todo el mundo, hasi semper fuerte e nos is por biba e din cielo.

and I concur with Gina in saying WOOHOO

--
Religion comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable.

Worker of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

Porta den man di Dios, porta den man di mi. Todo el mundo, hasi semper fuerte e nos is por biba e din cielo.

that's because you're gay broter

--
Who can hate love when Love begets Hate?

I think you should take a look at this. It's rather brilliant(click below)
click here


Feel The *RawEm0tion burn in

I beg to differ my good man...we all know who the gay one is...I won't say it's name here.

--
Religion comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable.

Worker of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

Porta den man di Dios, porta den man di mi. Todo el mundo, hasi semper fuerte e nos is por biba e din cielo.

and I've almost got those corrections done mate. Stop down at help desk sometime lol BRING ME FOOD.

--
Religion comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable.

Worker of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

Porta den man di Dios, porta den man di mi. Todo el mundo, hasi semper fuerte e nos is por biba e din cielo.

wait....wait.... i know this...

--
~*~ gina