Comment on fares002's profile
So despite having, like, 9% of the pageviews you have and only being here for 8% of the time that you have, I thought I'd leave a bit of commentary. Don't take anything too personally, I tend to go for the throat in reviews and I'd rather not be discouraging! Anyway, onward!
I was mostly skimming some of the written stuff you have here as I happened upon it. The ideas and concepts are definitely there, and while I could point out a lot of really small things that might make them a little better, the biggest things I noticed were flow and emotion.
The writing can, at times, feel a bit awkward to read. Sentences either stop at strange places, or more commonly, they repeat words extremely closely together. Many times, a specific, non-basic word (like the word 'change' for instance) would be repeated within the same paragraph, or also commonly, within the same sentence. It grows awkward to read if words like that are repeated too frequently.
The other thing I noticed was that the emotions were a bit wacky in characters. Characters tended not to have their own voice (many talk quite similar to one another / same word usage). Characters sometimes didn't react as realistically to their or other's changes as much as one might expect. Characters also tended to be overly calm at all times or react in a cliched manor at others. When they did show emotion like happiness or sadness, it tended to be fleeting, often lasting a single line. This typically doesn't happen to real people. *shrug*
In the end though, I do realize that isn't exactly meant to be serious work, or things like that. Heavens, I know I don't take my stuff that seriously. Even still, the idea is to make it as readable as possible to the reader, /especially/ in the, uh, interesting part of it. It's best to draw special attention to /that/, since it's what the readers come for specifically.
The best thing you need right now is a beta reader, to be honest. I don't have one at the moment, but I did for the longest time on other work before coming here, and they helped me develop my skill to roughly where it's at. You essentially need someone who will look over your work and basically point every single thing in your chapter that's wrong so that you can fix and hopefully not make those mistakes again. It's a really fast way to get pretty decent at writing!
I was mostly skimming some of the written stuff you have here as I happened upon it. The ideas and concepts are definitely there, and while I could point out a lot of really small things that might make them a little better, the biggest things I noticed were flow and emotion.
The writing can, at times, feel a bit awkward to read. Sentences either stop at strange places, or more commonly, they repeat words extremely closely together. Many times, a specific, non-basic word (like the word 'change' for instance) would be repeated within the same paragraph, or also commonly, within the same sentence. It grows awkward to read if words like that are repeated too frequently.
The other thing I noticed was that the emotions were a bit wacky in characters. Characters tended not to have their own voice (many talk quite similar to one another / same word usage). Characters sometimes didn't react as realistically to their or other's changes as much as one might expect. Characters also tended to be overly calm at all times or react in a cliched manor at others. When they did show emotion like happiness or sadness, it tended to be fleeting, often lasting a single line. This typically doesn't happen to real people. *shrug*
In the end though, I do realize that isn't exactly meant to be serious work, or things like that. Heavens, I know I don't take my stuff that seriously. Even still, the idea is to make it as readable as possible to the reader, /especially/ in the, uh, interesting part of it. It's best to draw special attention to /that/, since it's what the readers come for specifically.
The best thing you need right now is a beta reader, to be honest. I don't have one at the moment, but I did for the longest time on other work before coming here, and they helped me develop my skill to roughly where it's at. You essentially need someone who will look over your work and basically point every single thing in your chapter that's wrong so that you can fix and hopefully not make those mistakes again. It's a really fast way to get pretty decent at writing!