Comment on OverLocked's profile

lockrhi's avatar
ayyyy fav.me/d8ppu5a A detailed app check please ///
:iconeheblushplz:
RumbyFishy's avatar
Here you go~ Bear with the reply it's rather lengthy.

Visual App
Silver Square Bullet Character Design
I do feel the character design is more than 30% revealing in skin (it is about 40-45% revealing), and thus will ask you to cover her up a bit more.
However this does not mean Tallula can be 30% revealing. As 30% is the maximum revealing skin that outcasted Khadroman are allowed to have, not regular Khadroman. 

So I will ask you to cover one of the following major sections: 
  • covering arms 
  • covering midriff (or belly)
Or a combination of minor sections:
  • covering her hands
  • covering her forearm
  • covering her upper arm
  • covering her shoulders
I highly recommend covering multiple areas or specifically a combination of covering a major section+a minor one, because Khadromans aren't supposed to show off too much skin, and well Tallula is from a noble family, thus it's probably more frowned on if she shows off bare skin.

Here are some options in clothing that could help you figure out something:
  • transparent cloth (like lace?), regular cloth, armor (gauntlets, shoulder plates), gloves, jackets, scarfs, arm warmers, corset, belt, shoulder pads, big jewelry (like big bracelets?) and/or something with sleeves
Secondly if you draw her in human form (on the app); I am hoping you covering up her legs. From head to toe probably. (Showing regular bare legs are 50% revealing; on top of the current design if I were to imagine the lower part of her body became legs, it'd be about 90-95% revealing, and thus she will be a very risque Khadroman in human form walking around Khadroma. Hopefully you were planning to do so with her legs.)

Everything else seems ok on the visual part of the app, let's move onto the written portion



Written App
I don't see anything missing particularly, so I'll go onto suggestions I would like you to fix up.



Silver Square Bullet Personality
I'm gathering and categorizing positive/negative/neutral traits I see throughout the app to help determine if Tallula is balanced. 

+Humorous,  gentle,  Optimististic (Uplifting), honest, determined, self-driven (directed), cooperative (supportive)
+/- self conscious, Outspoken, skeptical (doubtful or unsure)
- Silly, Abrupt, curt/blunt, impulsive

I think you do have a quite a few contradictions here, probably because of the adjectives chosen to describe Tallula's personality may be too much on the the extreme side that it kind of conflicted with eachother. So I won't really say if it's balanced or not (atm it's not) because I think these contradictions should be sorted out first.

 πŸ’¦+Silly with a Gentle demeanor
           'Silly' being a kinder word than 'childish' or 'nonsensical', Tallula is a very uplifting girl-- or at least she tries to be. She believes a good perspective alongside optimism is how you have greater success (just simply beliefs though)... however in more dire situations she uses her humor as an emotional shield and has a hard time being serious in serious situations. She's careful though! She doesn't force her humor or opinions onto people. Never being too hard or overbearing to anyone. Usually...!

    πŸ’¦-Abrupt/Curt way of thinking 
           So she's sort of impulsive in her thoughts about others, mildly. Nothing ill-intending she'll assure you but what can she say, she sees it how it is. Sometimes it just slips out. She'll rationalize it by calling it honesty but-- don't worry! She knows when she crosses the line. Most of the time. (Over the years she's gotten good at holding her tongue.)
The term gentle can mean "mild in temperament or behavior; kind or tender or moderate in action, effect, or degree; not harsh or severe."
However this contradicts with being curt/blunt, as curt means to be "rudely brief" where rude is the opposite of being gentle as it is harsh way of speaking. I think what you wanted to go for, instead of curt and blunt, is straightforward, as I noticed you have put honest up there. But going over the bio, it seems it's leaning more towards the rude behavior than gentle one....


 πŸ’¦+/-Caring but Uncoordinated
            She tries, she really does. Of course she's caring towards family and friends but Tallula likes the idea of being thoughtful, graceful, and all of that jazz all the time but... She knows how she is. She's a klutz. A ditz. zzzzz. However! She won't let that stop her! She's going to care the bubbles out of people. And fumble over them the whole way.
Caring is actually ok here in the personality as it doesn't contradict any other personality mentioned, but going over your bio, there is a contradiction mentioned that contradicts with being caring.
Tallula didn't particularly like helping out but soon discovered she had a knack for healing.
She doesn't like helping out as mentioned here, and thus I don't believe it's a correct attribute to describe her as caring....


    πŸ’¦+/-Determined but Self Conscious 
           She'd find a way to do just about anything if it would prove herself to you. She's extremely driven and not soft-spoken at all. Which is why the lack of self confidence she has surprises even her sometimes. She hides behind her crude jokes and blunt remarks but she's wholeheartedly afraid of being looked down on or being a burden.

    πŸ’¦+/-Skeptical but Cooperative
           Honestly she doesn't have much confidence in anyone's abilities. You can say you're the strongest or the fastest or the most skilled but she'll most likely just humor you and tag along regardless if you are or not. She automatically assumes you don't know what you're doing until proven otherwise. But wait! She's supposed to be supportive and optimistic and give you confidence! Or that's how she thinks she should be. So, sure, she'll go along with your bravely interesting ideas rather than have conflict but don't hope for too much....  
Another contradiction found here, is that Tallula is optimistic, however optimistic individuals are typically assured and believes positively in others and probably herself. So this does go along with being supportive and cooperative here. 

However we have two conflicts here with optimism
  • One is being self-conscious as self-conscious individuals (feeling undue awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions) are very unsure of themselves, meaning she is not actually optimistic in her thoughts.
  • Second conflict here is being skeptical (which can mean doubtful or mistrustful and unconvinced). If Tallula is skeptical she actually wouldn't believe in others, and this goes against being optimistic

Determined also has a conflict but this is actually not found in this section.
From the bio, 
Sick of how her brothers undermined and ignored her. Sick of not being able to crack jokes or slouch and, oh, so very sick of being expected to be perfect like her mother and father. So one day she told them (More like she told them off). Quite unexpectedly they were fine with all she said and her not wanting to be a Knight or Guardian (still not very happy about
If she was really determined and wanted to prove her self worth, I don't think she would've given up like that in being a Knight/Guardian.


Overall for the Personality, from what I see in the bio, you go over being self-conscious, impulsive, and abrupt/curt. Some contradicting the positive traits you have. But when it comes down it, the only solid personality traits mentioned are being silly and uncoordinated, but these traits are not mentioned in your bio, so they're more minor traits... 

I would suggest you keep the three traits I mentioned: self-conscious, impulsive, and abrupt/curt because these ones fit your bio. The others which are conflicting, though I don't think fit with Tallula. But that is only my suggestion, as I think you might've wanted her to be a nice caring jellyfish but didn't realize it was contradicted throughout the app. So I will leave that to you to figure out.



Silver Square Bullet Bio
I already noted the contradictions found in the first paragraph which clashed with the personality trait "determined" and "caring", so I'll just go over the rest here. I will note some grammar in here as well.

  Maybe if they were funny or entertaining but from the few she has met they didn't impress her much.
This right here is a run-on, I would just suggest putting a comma before the word, "but" to make things easy

She can't really be bothered with the thought of contracts or the thought of the realm they come from.
I actually don't understand this statement or what you were trying to say with this? Where you trying to explain she just didn't care about learning about contracts? Or are you saying she didn't want to go into a contract? Because contracts really don't come from any realm. So please clarify this statement.

Other Khadroman are fine but all the ones she's known in her life or met have been too nice, too catty, or too smart for their own good.
 Another run-on here, I would suggest another comma before "but". But along with that, I don't quite understand which "Other Khadroman" is referred to in this statement. Does this mean Khadroman outside her family? Or just in general Khadroman other than herself. Please clarify. 

Pandemonians, however, interest her to no end.She's only met one in her whole life and he was the best fighter she had ever seen. Cruel confident air was almost visible around him while he fought. Precise strikes and blows were made with no hesitation. She still has dreams of the duel she got to witness. If only he had let her dress his wounds. (shudder)

I will actually ask you to elaborate or clarify the last statement. I can't really grasp if she actually was interested in helping the Pandemonian or was she just afraid of his wounds?


"You're pretty bad at this aren't you?" she's asked her brothers or random patients while treating them.
"Just be better, yeah?" She'd tell them almost laughingly. She's seen real battle. She can tell when you don't know what you're doing. And over the years she's met quite a lot of warriors and mages that are all talk and fancy armor.
"As if you could do better!" they'd defend themselves to her. Well. Yes of course she couldn't do better. She was quite aware of that, though. The way she'd so casually accept it made others frustrated and annoyed with her often. What? She thinks to herself. She was just being honest. (It's not really a surprise she has little to no friends.)
I don't think this actually fits here.. not because it's in the wrong section, but it doesn't flow or go along with your previous paragraphs, as there isn't a transition or link to why this should be mentioned in a way. So I would just actually take this out, so there's no confusion unless you can somehow incorporate this better. Probably mentioning in a topic sentence she finds it difficult to become a great support maiden to fighters because her lack in coordinated skills?

Basically you did really well explaining the first paragraph, but the latter ones are a bit vague in comparison. Though great job for mentioning her views on Khadromans, Humans, and Pandemonians.



Silver Square Bullet Trivia
Tallulah is a mermaid Khadroman; more specifically a jellyfish mermaid which is an oddity in itself, considering she's the only one she's aware of. (Her family has normal tails) she thinks her tail is prettier.
I'm just wondering is it just odd for her to be a jellyfish mermaid in all of Khadroma or just in her family? Since you mentioned her family has normal tails, and thus it sounds likes they're not jellyfish mers either....or did you just mean tentacles..?
She has a land form that includes a human lower body and legs. (She uses them about the same amount she uses her tail, legs don't bother her at all.) Her hair also dries and transforms into long blue locks.
Please describe further on what you mean by this statement. I don't quite understand what it means the same amount she uses her tail.. the same amount of what? Is this amount the condition she has to have to transform into her human form?



Silver Square Bullet Powers

   Abyssal Rejuvenation (Water) :::: Tallula slams down her staff, causing a splash of energy around her to create powerful bubbles. The bubbles surround her and another 3 allies of her choice, buffing the ally's defense and debuffing Tallula's defense while slowly regenerating their health by 10% each minute for 10 minutes max if Tallula is uninterrupted. Tallula cannot use this spell if her defense has already been debuffed, or if the allies health is 80% or more. After the spell is used she can't use it for 15minutes. (A spell her grandmother once used that she practiced and later pimped out.)
Basically I will break down what this ACE does, please correct me if I'm wrong:
it is a defense buff that buffs others, but debuffs her own defense and can also heal.
  • Range Limitation: The max number of people she can use this ability on is 4 people including herself.
  • Time Limitations: Healing can regenerate health by 10% for 10 minutes max.
    • There is a cooldown time of 15 minutes.
  • Other Limitation: Cannot use spell again if debuffed or allies' health is 80% or more.
Question. How much can she buff someone else's defense? There is not number indicator on how high the buff is. How long does this buff last? And how long does the debuff last? 

   Virtus (MANA) [1] :::: Grant the subject 1 temporary hit point. 
   
    Aqua Flagelli (WATER) [1] ::::: User creates a string of water to use as a whip to damage the enemy. Dissipates after the strike.

   Aqua Mico (WATER) [1] :::: Creates various droplets to come together and reflect light brightly, blinding the enemy temporarily.

   Sanitatem Pollinis (GRASS) [1] :::: Heal a target with the help of nature **One target only

   Amica Vocationem (WATER) [1] :::: User is able to call upon the water particles present in the plants of the nearby area and turn them into projectiles, sending them to the target. *Damage output depends on total Magic.

   Infrigidando Defensio (ICE) [1] :::: More Defense for 30mins.
Lastly in this section, you can only use a max of 3 elements for regular spells. ACE spells have no elemental limit. So I would suggest probably replacing 1 of the spells you have here with another.




Silver Square Bullet Battling Style
 Tallula likes to stay the whale away from enemies, as she is a fagrile majestic lady fish and does not want to be made into sushi!
Typo found here: fagrile =>>fragile.... That would like kind of bad if we left it... >.<"



Overall I think her biography is pretty solid. Personality needs quite a lot of work because of the stuff going on there.

However I hope that helped you with your app! Good luck and have a nice day~
lockrhi's avatar
Hello! thanks for going over it so thoroughly/// I'm going to try and take all of your suggestions into account and fix the contradictions. AhhhHHH I didn't even realize how much skin i had her showing-- I originally had her top be a lot more covering but last minute changed it without remembering how much skin was actually allowed //// I can definitely cover her up omg.

Ahh for personality wise I see all of the obvious contradictions//// I was going for a very contradicting character in a way?! But I could've definitely been a lot more clear. Tallula wants to be this optimistic caring pure-hearted maiden girl 100% of the time but her actual personality inhibits that. I was still trying to figure out her character while writing it as it's probably painfully obvious/// :'D BUT YES I'll fix up a few things from the bio as well.

TheAceSpellomg. I've never actually come up with such a thing-- so I guess I was vague on purpose as to see what needed to be done/// sorry I'll come up with actually numbers.

omg fagrile. I didn't even see that when I was going over it again///slapped.

Yes this helps so much thank you <3 (I've never actually had a detailed application check-- and I had like 3 other people look over this and they never pointed out things in the way you did that were probably obviously wrong or a little unclear so thanks for telling me//////// ; v ; )
TIME TO EDIT.
:iconimsotiredcryplz:
RumbyFishy's avatar
lol It's fine! I think you were going for a sweet, nice character, but the word choices may have been extreme that it turned contradictory, so had to note them for you, so you know what exactly to work on.

You're welcome! (and I've been hearing that response lately from applicants about never having detailed app check... But I don't think your friends may know what guidelines we actually follow in looking at apps; it's always different for every group, so I try to lay it out clearly things for applicants what I look at when I go over these apps) And you can do it! :icondetermined-plz: If you need help or have any questions about your app that I discussed, feel free to ask~