I'm not knowledgable about the horror/ vampire genre, but good writing is good writing. From what I could gather, there's a lot of good in yours. It also appears that you're very serious about your writing. I could go through a piece with a fine tooth comb, but I'd suggest trying to hook up with the horror/ vampire writer you admire most (or second most, whoever will take the time) on DA and get some feedback on the language, plots and lore.

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Stop popping that bubble wrap and check out *ThePurpleNurple
“Make [your] characters want something right away—even if it’s only a glass of water."-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.