Smoke surrounds me from a dimmly lit incense stick hanging from my pink chapped lips. I don't normally lite anything of the nature, but I wanted to smell something different. Something aside from the usually perfumes pouring off of me. The smell of the damp dark basement. The only thing I can't shake of is this unmistakable feeling of lonliness. I feel ashamed for bearing such a feeling. Because of my recent illness, I have had a lot of time to think. Something I do not neccesarily want. I do not like to think. At least not so much anymore. I called work to tell them I probably wouldn't be able to make it in tomorrow because I couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes without having to sit down. Dizziness engulfing my body to the point I can't even be mobile. Swelling raging through my head, then only physical feeling is the blazing fever pounding into my head. I was invited to a few parties as well, but I won't be able to make those either. I feel older. At the moment wise. Though, I'm fairly sure I'm so far from it.. at least in my own life. I remember almost exactly a year ago, crying ceaslessly, beggin my friend not to hurt himself. He ODed on drugs and passed out with my IM on the screen. Thankfully, he is still alive today to tell the tale. We haven't talked about it since. I've lost three friends to them making the decision to take their own lives. There is only one way out of this world, this life... but why seek it? I have recently thought about it. The thought of taking my own life. I am ashamed for that as well. For me to admit such a thing takes a lot out of me. I don't think I could ever have enough guts to take my own life. The only ways that I want to die is either honorably in battle, which doesn't seem to happen anymore, defending my honor or the honor of a loved one... or by my greatest enemies hand. I think I live in a dream world. A world of brave knights, gallant battles, and even magic. Battles are now wars. Swords are now guns. No one fights a good fight anymore. Maybe my mind is just deluded from all the years of watching anime, but that's the kind of world I would like to live in. Someone testing the limits of your every fiber. Actual battle. I was born to be a fighter... though that isn't supposed to be my role. I know even if I lived in those times, I would still be an outsider. I'm fairly sure I will always remain as such. And even as I sit here, droaning on about some absurb fantasy, I do not see me. The image I see right now is that of Integra Hellsing. I do not wish to be her though. My RP character is a rflection of me, but there are a lot of things in Anime that I was I had. Everyone seems to have their own vision of themselves. Some more than others. Anime is me. She has been me for almost seven years now... maybe we aren't so different. Everyone acts different when they are alone.

With the new year approaching, I hope that things will change. I wish good fortune to those I deeply care about. And I send my love to those I care for, even if they aren't willing to accept it. You know what I want to do for New Year's? I weat to find the highest hill, building, etc and scream at the top of my lungs, sing a favorite song as loud as I can and with as much feeling as possible, then allow myself to cry. Wash away everything. Start over...

Smoke surrounds me from a dimmly lit incense stick hanging from my pink chapped lips. I don't normally lite anything of the nature, but I wanted to smell something different. Something aside from the usually perfumes pouring off of me. The smell of the damp dark basement. The only thing I can't shake of is this unmistakable feeling of lonliness. I feel ashamed for bearing such a feeling. Because of my recent illness, I have had a lot of time to think. Something I do not neccesarily want. I do not like to think. At least not so much anymore. I called work to tell them I probably wouldn't be able to make it in tomorrow because I couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes without having to sit down. Dizziness engulfing my body to the point I can't even be mobile. Swelling raging through my head, then only physical feeling is the blazing fever pounding into my head. I was invited to a few parties as well, but I won't be able to make those either. I feel older. At the moment wise. Though, I'm fairly sure I'm so far from it.. at least in my own life. I remember almost exactly a year ago, crying ceaslessly, beggin my friend not to hurt himself. He ODed on drugs and passed out with my IM on the screen. Thankfully, he is still alive today to tell the tale. We haven't talked about it since. I've lost three friends to them making the decision to take their own lives. There is only one way out of this world, this life... but why seek it? I have recently thought about it. The thought of taking my own life. I am ashamed for that as well. For me to admit such a thing takes a lot out of me. I don't think I could ever have enough guts to take my own life. The only ways that I want to die is either honorably in battle, which doesn't seem to happen anymore, defending my honor or the honor of a loved one... or by my greatest enemies hand. I think I live in a dream world. A world of brave knights, gallant battles, and even magic. Battles are now wars. Swords are now guns. No one fights a good fight anymore. Maybe my mind is just deluded from all the years of watching anime, but that's the kind of world I would like to live in. Someone testing the limits of your every fiber. Actual battle. I was born to be a fighter... though that isn't supposed to be my role. I know even if I lived in those times, I would still be an outsider. I'm fairly sure I will always remain as such. And even as I sit here, droaning on about some absurb fantasy, I do not see me. The image I see right now is that of Integra Hellsing. I do not wish to be her though. My RP character is a reflection of me, but there are a lot of things in Anime that I was I had. Everyone seems to have their own vision of themselves. Some more than others. Anime is me. She has been me for almost seven years now... maybe we aren't so different. Everyone acts different when they are alone.

With the new year approaching, I hope that things will change. I wish good fortune to those I deeply care about. And I send my love to those I care for, even if they aren't willing to accept it. You know what I want to do for New Year's? I weat to find the highest hill, building, etc and scream at the top of my lungs, sing a favorite song as loud as I can and with as much feeling as possible, then allow myself to cry. Wash away everything. Start over...

hi chica! I remebered your screen name!! wh00t!

meow!

blarh! Jessie! ::glom::

yo! wats crackin? wat u doin up late? its 1 am here and its the earliest of [most] the US.. hah that is, in every other part of the US its after 1 am..

anyway, droppin by.. *wanders off *

--
I'd rather have 3 real enemies than 1 fake friend.

reality is wrong
dreams are real

are most of your pics of yourself?

Nice gallery!

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deadworks Photographyღ

From love to disdain
From belief to delusion
From a thief to a beggar
From a god to God save me

according to what i see, i should watch you

Thank you for the comments. It's 3:30 AM here. Yes, they are of me I hope I don't seem self-centered. When you wear a uniform everyday and have to wear your hair up, it's nice to be beautiful sometimes.