... at a time, owing to certain situational constraints, that would be substituted for being "NOW"! Okay then, let us not waste any further time with this, and graciously continue as promised. Oh, but just before I launch offhandedly into this second round of review, let me first reiterate that the following article was written THREE MONTHS ago (yesterday), well prior to the release of the "Transformers" DVD (alas, while we definitely scooped the pool with regard to the theatrical release, it seems that Australia has been made to wait an additional month before the package in question hits retail outlets, blast the luck...). Anyway, here's what I have to add:

"Before time began, there was... The Cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them... with life. That is how our race was born. For a time we had lived in harmony, but like all great power, some wanted it for good... others for evil. And so began the war; a war that ravaged our planet until it was consumed by death, and The Cube was lost to the far reaches of space. We scattered across the galaxy hoping to find it and rebuild our home, searching every star, every world. And just when all hoped seem lost, message of a new discovery took us to an unknown planet called... Earth. But we were already too late..."

For it was to prove that one resident Michael Bay had already seized artistic control of this cinematic adaption, and in doing so, had resolutely ensnared the production in an inimical stranglehold. To be fair, however, the blame for what was to result cannot squarely rest upon this one man's self-inflated shoulders - after all, the art of cinema is a GROUP effort, it must be said. Truth be told, early reports leaked from the private offices of Dreamworks had those of us inclined toward inate skepticism believe that, during development, the producers involved snidely referred to this highly-anticipated venture as "Product Placement: The Movie"... and boy, were they not kidding! Besides the obligatory Hasbro merchandise, which included the likes of My Little Pony (yes, they ARE still looking at manufacturing a cross-over assortment in conjunction with the Transformers line, believe it or not...) and Furby (sure enjoyed watching Starscream blast that truck-load of the wretched little jabbering fuzzballs straight back to hell!), the associted likes of General Motors, Microsoft XBOX, Mountain Dew, GPX, Burger King, Pepto-Bismol, eBay, and (my personal favorate) the Nokia N93i mobile phone are all seen duking it out for their fleeting slice of the marketing pie - their customary "fifteen seconds", as it were. Heh, as this film would have it, one should apparently beware the pint-sized wrath of a Finnish samurai! But in all seriousness, there are far too many commercial interests depicted throughout this corporative Trojan horse to even attempt a comprehensive catalogue in this singular editorial, without running the very genuine risk of completely derailing the topic of discussion... and I wouldn't personally benefit in the least from deliberately boring you further with such inapplicable details. At least it can be said that there's no doubt surrounding the means by which an estimated one hundred and fifty million dollar budget was raised! But this ultimately is a trifle consideration, when all is said and done; merely the symptomatic self-indulgence endemic of a capitulated, over-saturated film industry - make of that what you will.

"Our planet was once a powerful empire, peaceful and just... until we were betrayed by Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. All who defied them were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet, and The Allspark was lost to the stars. Megatron followed it to Earth, where Captain Witwicky found him..."

It's true that I've STILL not bothered to sit down with my copy of Alan Dean Foster's "Ghosts of Yesterday", nor the four issue IDW illustrated adaption, so my knowledge of the all-important backstory behind this theatrical screenplay isn't as fully fledged as I would care for it to be. One would suspect that this is fairly indicative of your average audience member, given the evident disregard to scripted exposition... unless, of course, one had had the presence of mind to visit the official Sector 7 website beforehand, that is. Which is rather unlikely, owing to its distinctly covert presence online. Sure, I'm indeed a die-hard 'Geewunner' from the Golden Days, but this is a 'Brave New World' revisionist take on everything that had narratively taken place back in the mid-1980's we're talking about here. New game, new rules. Having stipulated as much, however, there remain plenty of recognizeable nods to the way things had originally been portrayed in this celluloid update: Ron's practical joke played out upon his gullible son (that involving a certain luxury car dealership through which they take a brief detour, providing branded homage to Jazz having been a Porsche 935 Turbo in the good old days), along with the pair of A-10 Thunderbolt II aircraft that obligingly respond to Tyrese Gibson's oft-cited catchcry to "Bring it!!" (the supposition being that these particular jets were included as a subversive reference to Autobot 'flyboy', Powerglide). Some might even argue (tenuously) that the situation where Jazz confronts Devastator/Brawl during the final battle harkens to Kup's treatment of Blitzwing in the original animated movie (albeit devoid of a hapless Shrapnel pinch-hitter to bare the residual brunt of a diverted fusillade...). More to the point, "No sacrifice, no victory!", the reiterative Witwicky motto, actually lends itself appropriately to the immolated fate of Fortress Maximus in issue #2 of Marvel's short-lived "Generation 2" publication, which comes as a pleasant surprise for those in the know. Hell, even the Allspark itself, as it is portrayed in this cinematic universe, bares significant parallelism with the cuboid personality components liberated by Starscream from cell 217 of the Decepticon detention centre on Cybertron ("Starscream's Brigade"), granting both individual sentience and (quite impossibly!) structural refabrication to inanimate machinery (for example, a 1943 Chance-Vought F4U Corsair miraculously metamorphosing into helicopter, before transforming into Combaticon Vortex). The same can be said for this fictitious reality, where seventeen year-old Sam accidently drops The Cube in his mad scramble for higher ground (and I really am quite surprised that Rubiks haven't yet attempted to cash in on the seemingly OBVIOUS merchandizing opportunity proffered here...). But remnant similarities really reveal themselves through the spoken dialogue, most notibly with Prime's declaration, "At the end of this day, one shall stand... one shall fall!" Cheesy 'fan service' (for want of better terminology) is prevalent throughout this film, with many lines being re-worked from the previous feature. For example, the line "Where'd you learn to talk like that?" yeilds a alternative response this time around - Transformers no longer "talk TV", as Kurtzman and Orci would have it, reportedly having learned Earth's native languages and colloquialisms via the World Wide Web. Gotta move with the times, I guess. Moreover, even Mojo's little... indiscretion could be inferred as being the retrofit inspiration behind Ironhide's classic exclamation, "Leakin' lubricant!" While all this is kinda cute for the nostalgics out there, quite frankly, Ron Friedman is owed a writing credit on this movie. Love it or loathe it, this technique of derivative, paean storytelling should, in my mind, either be adhered to with the strictest tenacity, or avoided at all costs. For instance, upon his dramatic reactivation, the menacing announcement "I am Megatron!" would have been INFINTELY more resonate (not to mention, relevant) if it had been a histrionic "I still function!" But who honestly wants the see the same movie made twice, right?

Actually, speaking of the defrosted Decepticon monarch, I was rather enthused by the notion that all of our modern technology was, in fact, reverse-engineered from study of Megatron's technically-advanced mechanical workings... even if this WAS presumedly conducted without the need for physical dissection (what the...?!). A neat little idea. Dumping his defunct chassis into the Laurentian Abyss come film's close was a clever piece of writing, too, nicely wrapping things up with regard to the culmination of conflict. Hopefully, this will be the last we'll be seeing of the likes of him! When one considers how Megatron was finally overcome, however, I feel that Sam should probably have cried aloud something along the imperious lines of, "Megatron, if you want this Allspark so bad, then... HERE!!" Figure that would have imbued the scene with that little extra tension (will Sam really hand over the sacred artifact to the Decepticons...?), but that's just my style. On the topic of personal approaches, I would have loved to hear Bumblebee recite an expedient sound bite of Muhammad Ali's iconic "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee..." commentary while he is seen strutting his stuff upon formal introduction, rather than a gimmicky sample of "Second to None", unspectacularly performed by an outfit calling itself Styles Of Beyond (featuring Mike Shinoda). It would have made considerably more sense, if one were to ask me. Inspired by this train of thought, one amusing factor that I'd somehow managed to overlook the first time around was the configuration of what are effectively a dual set of BUTTERFLY wings, which suit the character to a tea (and are a first for the franchise!). I also liked the way that, prior to finding his voice, so to speak, Bumblebee's vocal output is strikingly reminiscent of Helper, from Adult Swim's "The Venture Bros." program. Furthermore, this initiatory scene has Optimus Prime identifying the Autobots as "autonomous robotic organisms from the planet Cybertron", which is an interestingly analytical interpretation of the factional appellation (I'd always assumed it derivative of 'automobile robots', myself...). One thing that STILL has me scratching my head, on the other hand, revolves around Bumblebee's absurd fuel-dump upon Agent Simmons - what IS that popping out prior to fluid release; a Coke can?! Even more inexplicable would be the fact that Sam recieves zero bids online for his (great) grandfather's spectacles, which subsequently begs the rather obvious question; why didn't the Decepicons simply PURCHASE item #21153 from eBay and be done with it...?! Guess we wouldn't be left with much of a story then, if that were to have been the case. Something that definitely SHOULD have been changed, I feel, is the treatment of Bumblebee's physical upgrade; irrespective of the views originally expressed (to which I maintain my adherence), the editing of this sequence ought to have been orchestrated more in timing to Tomoyasu Hotei's "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" (an instrumental theme lifted from the 2000 Japan film, "Shin Jinginaki Tatakai"), to best show off the aesthetic allure of the 'sexy' new fifth-generation Chevrolet Camaro. As potentially cliché as this may well be, it would have made for a decidedly more VISUAL experience to be played out within the Detroit tunnel.

My anger over the exclusion of the classic cartoon theme from the closing credit reel has yet to be sated, unfortunately... especially given that due respect of this calibre has been paid with the likes of other Big Screen adaptions, à la Sam Raimi's 2001 "Spider-Man". To some extent, it could well be argued that aural vindication for those defiant naysayers who obstinately refuse to concede any scant level of successful accomplishment on the part of Michael Bay (and company) ironically comes in the form of Linkin Park's "What I've Done", the movie's thematic finale:

"So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done..."

But it would be a PETTY argument, at best. On this note, I remarked originally upon the fact that I'd never previously encountered the work of one Steve Jablonsky, but this isn't entirely true - upon consulting my extensive CD library the other day, I came across the enchantingly rich score album to the 2004 animé, "Steamboy", which I was quite astonished to discover was composed by this same said artist! While he's by no means any Vince DiCola, Jablonsky nonetheless provides a salubrious auditory excursion with THIS "Transformers" outing. The incidental music track was adequately supported, rather than abrasively contested, by the use of popular music, modified to best jell into a cohesive soundscape with the symphonic sonata - for instance, when Bumblebee makes his big play against a rampaging Devastator/Brawl, disenfranchised Alternative rock band, The Smashing Pumpkins, can be heard laying down a suitably driving riff, sans the (frankly annoying) nasal warblings of one Billy Corgan. Sound design, while technically superb for the most part, nevertheless suffers from inconsistancy on occassion, regrettably. For example, I'm afraid to say that Megatron's fushion cannon sounds pitifully weak in comparison to its stentorian predecessor... Upon my initial viewing of the movie, my impression of the Autobots' general repartee was that the dialogue SCREAMED of being recorded in an isolated sound booth, each actor having individually recorded a repertoire of off-the-cuff comments to be sifted through during later stages of the mixing process. Shortcomings inherent to this approach become evident when the dovetailed speech comes across as stilted, lacking articulated spontaneity, resulting in an inauthentic reproduction of conversational interplay. Oddly enough, I'm not entirely sure if I felt this way during the encore viewing. But unfortunately the Decepticons remain largely unintelligable (does Bonecrusher actually speak, or merely emit an enraged caterwaul whilst foolheartedly going up against Optimus Prime?). I think the (racially derogatory) international phone operator says it best during the Scorponok confrontation: "Please speak clearly into the mouthpiece..." And for that matter, why the hell are there some many people shown to be picking their damn noses in this movie?! Most unsavory. Humourous is the number of sheer times Sam is heard to rapid-fire "No no no!", but I suspect that this is an idiosyncratic trait of Shia LaBeouf's locution radiating through in his enthusiastic performance (the same is true of his execution of Cody Maverick in "Surf's Up", which I saw recently). Without question, young LaBeouf possesses an on-sceen charisma which lends genuine gravitas to an otherwise outlandish premise - it is to Shia's credit that this motion picture succeeds at all. The boy's definitely been blessed with the esoteric 'IT' factor; it'll be most interesting to see what he provides us with in "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull".

Wading headlong into somewhat defamatory waters here, President George W. Bush recieves felicitous (albeit mercifully brief) treatment in this presentation - "Can you wrangle me up some Ding-Dongs, darlin'?" Could this be subversive political commentary, masquerading as word-associated caricature - SATIRE, in a Michael Bay film?! It's a pity that Frenzy was only interested in hacking the P.O.T.A.S. (Program Of Technical Assistance to IAEA {International Atomic Energy Agency} Safeguards) terminal aboard Air Force One, compensating for Blackout's failed attempt to access the U.S. security network via a database hardline housed at the SOCCENT Forward Operations Base located in Qatar... the Decepticons could have instigated a serious Power Play by assassinating the appointed Leader of the Free World! But perhaps that would be taking the campaign offensive TOO far... It should be pointed out that this drastically revamped Frenzy bares notable resemblance to Stan Winston's famed Predator (of the Yautja race). Heck, even the symbolic alphabet of the two unrelated sources are visually similar. Even the signature byline, "Their War. Our World.", was originally intended to promote "Aliens vs. Predator" (2004), but was ultimately exchanged for "Whoever wins... we lose." Moving on, the process by which the subtitling was handled for the xenogeneic Decepticons appealed to me a great deal, but it is a technique borrowed from the lackluster 1999 screen adaption of "Wing Commander".

On the contrary, the computer-generated special effects, as previously observed, are simply outstanding - arguably the best yet encoded to celluloid. Period. Optimus Prime is reportedly the most intricately complex computer model ever devised for animation, and up on the Big Screen, it really shows. The only effects-driven shot that I had a discernable problem with was that involving Frenzy scrambling to remove Sam's pants - the CGI just didn't appear to be PHYSICALLY present in the frame, betraying the fact that it had been superimposed post-photography. I minor gripe, all things considered. It confounds me, then, that in a picture so dependent upon its technical wizardry, there should be so many shots marred by the distracting presence of shadows, inadvertently cast by various items of film-making equipment (boom microphones, dolly platforms, jib arms), including one unbelievable instance of the CINEMATOGRAPHER HIMSELF being clearly reflected upon a glass surface! In this day and age, these glaring oversights are quite unacceptable, and could have so effortlessly been removed with a little digital retouching. Inexcusably shoddy stuff. Worse still, I would have to declare that this movie features the SLOPPIEST CONTINUITY I've bared witness to in recent years - I tell you, someone was asleep on the job! Overdubbed dialogue that doesn't even come CLOSE to attaining credible lipsinc, vehicular transport fitted with automatic transmissions suddenly becoming manual drive, a certain '76 Chevrolet intermittedly displaying a hi-tech '08 instrument panel... the list just goes on and on, people! Also, the non-sequential shooting order seems to be quite evident with this movie. While it's standard practice to part with scripted chronology when making a motion picture, owing to time constraints and whatnot, the methodology should never show - in all sincerity, am I the only person who believes that the 'acting ability' of Megan Fox actually DETERIORATES as the film progresses?! "You shoot, I'll drive..." - UGH!! Thankfully, we have a cameo by the likes of Rick Gomez (as the riotous, narcotics-obsessed sheriff) to help lighten the disheartening state of affairs. I loved Agent Simmons' goofy Superman-esque 'S7' undershirt, and during the hilarious "Sam's Happy Time" routine, the mortified teenager in question is conveniently wearing a t-shirt proclaiming Garage rock band, The Strokes! Very cheeky. Another cool visual reference comes as Captain William Lennox commandeers what appears to be an idle Buell Firebolt XB9R motorcycle (the vehicle that had been intended to be adapted, in fuchsia, for Autobot Arcee... prior to this controversial character's being scrapped to make way for the delightful Ironhide). Racing into the battlezone at full-throttle, Lennox then lets loose with a 40mm magnesium SABOT round, an incendiary device capable of a 6000 degree yeild (the approximate temperature of Earth's molten core!), scoring a direct hit to the unshielded pelvic structure of his towering adversary. It's uncertain whether Blackout was killed in this atack, however, or simply blacked-out (so to speak). Either way, it was a glorious end to his involvement in the action... unlike Frenzy, with his indecently extended central finger assembly and final utterance of "Oh shit!" Tacky.

Graceful and cogent in equal measure, was the sight of Optimus Prime navigating his way through the support structure of that bridge at night, accusing shafts of iridescent light flashing over him from helicopters hovering overhead, like a fugitive on the run from a greater power - we've not previously seen a depiction of the Autobot commander in this manner, and I felt it added a great deal of credence to his combat ethic presumedly employed back on Cybertron. Guerilla tactics exercised by a drastically outnumbered resistence movement engaged in a bitter 'civil' war, it also pays subtle tribute to the relentlessly tedious "TRUKK NOT MUNKY" debate that plagued "Beast Wars" for the entirety of its tenure (and beyond). A thrilling demonstration to behold. His handling of his first lieutenant's loss, on the other hand, was not. I guess now we know why Jazz was inexplicably omitted from Linkin Pa... I mean, DeceptiBot's rendition of the original anthem! Oddly enough, with his cat-like features, Jazz kinda reminds me of Panthro from the old "Thundercats" cartoon, for one reason or another... but minus even HIS penchant for cool. But by now, I'm sure everyone gets it - I HATED Jazz!! The inclusion of the ESA's failed Beagle 2 'Mars Express' mission, with the 'true' details of which having been imparted in the theatrical teaser, was an unexpected little surprise, both expanding the scope of the narrative and validating the pre-publicity campaign in one fell swoop. As critically controversial as this footage had been at the time of its unveiling, any such concerns paled into insignificance when compared with the wide-spread disputations arising relative to the radical departure made by Ben Proctor's mechanical design. I'll be the first to admit that, intitially, I was aghast by what was being developed for this movie... but over time, I came to respect the cast-iron barings of anyone brave enough to tackle the task in such a manner. Excellent creative vision (with the sole exception of Bonecrusher...!). But even that said, this revolutionary approach to aesthetic 'realism' honestly isn't so far removed from what the great Floro Dery had originally intended for his classic movie designs. No, my only qualm here is that everyone appears to be IDENTICAL back on Cybertron...

Speaking of clones, I rather liked the Decepticons' uniform application of holomatte technology to help better disguise themselves from suspecting eyes, the very same moustachioed figure appearing at the controls of their helicopter, police car, and jet fighter reservists. I wonder if Brian Reece recieved three separate paychecks for that gig...? One thing I'm certain would cost a BUNDLE is the repair bill to be floated by the council of Mission City - the collateral damage inflicted during the final confrontation (in particular) is a visceral joy to behold. Sensational! But what of the emotional repercussions affronting a large proportion of the so-called 'Transfan' community, I wonder...?

As a devoted Transfan of some twenty-plus years, myself, the natural inclination is to saddly give this movie a (demoted) score of three stars out of a possible five (upon review), but as an inveterate member of the film-going public, I can only conscientiously award this effort a final score of two and a half.

"With The Allspark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And Fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight... but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime... and I send this message to any surviving Autobots seeking refuge among the stars. We are here. Were are waiting..."

For the inevitable sequel, no doubt! And there we have it, I guess. Heh, t'would appear that I had considerably MORE to say on the subject than I'd initially imagined... Fortunately, when I went to see "Transformers" for the second time, I was granted an entire cinema exclusively to MYSELF - which, of course, meant I could take plenty of notes without running the risk of ruining the experience for anyone else present. At any rate, to paraphrase the Optimus Prime of old - roll on 2010! But before I go, I'd just like to share with you all our own Matt Moylan's running commentary on the subject, courtesy of his much-loved "LilFormers" project - funny, funny stuff!

And so, this has been Citizen-Cybertron... signing off.