Comment on My Wonderland. by Dreams-Of-Lightning
I have to say, I was surprised by this piece. It is usually difficult to keep such a long poem from losing pace, becoming mundane or travelling away from the core concept, but you kept a steady rhythm and understanding throughout, which impressed me. I particularly enjoyed the way you began with inviting the reader in to share your mind before bringing it back around to leave them alone, shaken and disturbed at the end. You've really taken the reader on a quite surreal personal journey here, spanning it perfectly as though it were a fairy tale with a beginning, middle and end (just like Alice!)
Grammatically, I have a few points if you don't mind too much! Firstly, in the fifth stanza, the pace is jarred a little by a lack of punctuation. Where you have Don't be scared, here take my hand / I'll show you through my wonderland. I feel that by using a semi-colon and a comma - 'Don't be scared; here, take my hand' - the rhythm is 'fixed' and feels a lot smoother to read. I also noticed that in a few stanzas you would end a line on a period and then continue with an 'And', where it would have felt a lot cleaner if you had continued it as a full sentence or broke some place there wasn't a consecutive 'And'. In example, during the eighth stanza ("Away deep down inside my mind / And fill the endless sapphire sky") I feel it would have read better to only use a period on the final line. My only other thought would be about the last line, where I felt the rhythm again was a little off. I would recommend adding a 'that', so it reads, 'And as the fear wraps 'round your bones / You'll realize that you're all alone.'. The extra syllable really does make a difference in pace and emphasis. Let me know what you think.
In answer to your questions, it definitely felt utterly surreal and almost magical to me - I was personally reminded of The Elder Scrolls' Shivering Isles - and I honestly felt, like I said, as though I was being taken on a journey through the dark and twisted recesses of one's mind. This is a piece rich with vivid imagery and emotions and I implore you to keep up the wonderful work. You are very talented indeed!
I never expected such a lovely critique, thank you so much!
I was worried about it losing people's interest so I'm glad it kept you reading. I always wanted it to be a choice for the reader to enter, so that it was kind of their own fault when things went dark. If that makes sense?
Ah the dreaded semi colon, I always forget it exists! That's a very good idea and I will probably edit it soon.
The last line drove me mad. Some people read it as rea-lise and others (like myself) automatically read it as re-a-lise as three syllables. In the end I decided to go with the latter as it was how I read it out loud, but I am sad that it will sound out of time for many people. Perhaps I just pronounce things strangely? Definitely still considering changing it though.
I'm so glad you got that feel from it, though I don't know shivering Isles (will be googling it shortly I assure you).
I cannot thank you enough for such constructive advice and support. Really, you are fabulous, and have given me some very thoughtful things to ponder on for improvement. x
I was worried about it losing people's interest so I'm glad it kept you reading. I always wanted it to be a choice for the reader to enter, so that it was kind of their own fault when things went dark. If that makes sense?
Ah the dreaded semi colon, I always forget it exists! That's a very good idea and I will probably edit it soon.
The last line drove me mad. Some people read it as rea-lise and others (like myself) automatically read it as re-a-lise as three syllables. In the end I decided to go with the latter as it was how I read it out loud, but I am sad that it will sound out of time for many people. Perhaps I just pronounce things strangely? Definitely still considering changing it though.
I'm so glad you got that feel from it, though I don't know shivering Isles (will be googling it shortly I assure you).
I cannot thank you enough for such constructive advice and support. Really, you are fabulous, and have given me some very thoughtful things to ponder on for improvement. x
I am so glad that my feedback was helpful for you! That does make a lot of sense, as it is almost as though the reader has chosen to follow you and is therefore making the decisions. I think you have managed to instil that sense of responsibility very well with this piece.
It was my pleasure. Like I said, keep up the good work.
It was my pleasure. Like I said, keep up the good work.