Comment on Dragon's Fury by Zelinxia
I don't like anime so I am completely unfamiliar with the story you're writing around, so I can't comment on consistency or characterization. Still, you managed to keep me engaged while I read. The ending was particularly strong.
You have potential as a writer, but I see some definite areas that you need to improve upon. Bravo for attempting to vary your sentence structures, but often you go overboard and construct sentences that are too clunky, twisty, and confusing. You don't have to completely rearrange traditional structure to built an interesting sentence. The ones I had problems with were:
Graceful hands raising the sheets paused as his mother, the priestess, weighed Youou's question carefully.
The presence of enemies had increased as of late, causing his father to leave home frequently and for a longer duration while his mother continued to pray here at home for his success, as well as maintain the strong wards that fortified the province.
His father had described to him the magnificence of the sword one day when he was sitting in the lord's lap and asked for a story of any kind to be told.
As powerful and extraordinary it was, Ginryuu was only called for as a last resort to be used by the reigning lord and protector when the situation of the land was truly grave.
You have potential as a writer, but I see some definite areas that you need to improve upon. Bravo for attempting to vary your sentence structures, but often you go overboard and construct sentences that are too clunky, twisty, and confusing. You don't have to completely rearrange traditional structure to built an interesting sentence. The ones I had problems with were:
Graceful hands raising the sheets paused as his mother, the priestess, weighed Youou's question carefully.
The presence of enemies had increased as of late, causing his father to leave home frequently and for a longer duration while his mother continued to pray here at home for his success, as well as maintain the strong wards that fortified the province.
His father had described to him the magnificence of the sword one day when he was sitting in the lord's lap and asked for a story of any kind to be told.
As powerful and extraordinary it was, Ginryuu was only called for as a last resort to be used by the reigning lord and protector when the situation of the land was truly grave.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate the critique and suggestions, and I'm glad to hear that it was still engaging and that the ending was strong even though this fandom is unfamiliar.
Ah yes - I tend to experiment with sentence structures. I'll be sure to take that into account for future works. To be quite honest, the third sentence you listed was the one that bugged me the most, and yet in the end I didn't do much to fix it. (Strange?)
Ah yes - I tend to experiment with sentence structures. I'll be sure to take that into account for future works. To be quite honest, the third sentence you listed was the one that bugged me the most, and yet in the end I didn't do much to fix it. (Strange?)
You're welcome! Just try not to overthink your sentences and you'll do better.