Comment on Legacy of Ruin, Prologue: Hunter and Prey by TEANO
"But if he died... perhaps others would follow in his footsteps" - sure, there's this part about a worthy cause in between these parts, but even with it, I still read it like that. It sounded like he wanted them to die.
"As faint as the winter sun" - nice line
I'd say "if my knowledge can be still relied upon" might sound better, but it may also be too long.
The part about her curiousity works way better.
"would at least not mean they were sure" - it may be me, but imagine reading that out loud in front of a crowd in one, fluent take. It does sound a bit overcomplicated, doesn't it?
Part about the branches under his weight works fine
The long sentence at the end with "(...)he who... in order to(...)" feels strangely incomplete. I think it may be because of "he". It sounds strange when you couple it with "She'd known... he". Maybe try "She'd known him for so long, the person who..." If you start it with "he who" is seems to begin a completely different kind of a sentence.
That's all. Good job on the edits!
"As faint as the winter sun" - nice line
I'd say "if my knowledge can be still relied upon" might sound better, but it may also be too long.
The part about her curiousity works way better.
"would at least not mean they were sure" - it may be me, but imagine reading that out loud in front of a crowd in one, fluent take. It does sound a bit overcomplicated, doesn't it?
Part about the branches under his weight works fine
The long sentence at the end with "(...)he who... in order to(...)" feels strangely incomplete. I think it may be because of "he". It sounds strange when you couple it with "She'd known... he". Maybe try "She'd known him for so long, the person who..." If you start it with "he who" is seems to begin a completely different kind of a sentence.
That's all. Good job on the edits!
I suppose if I put it like this: "Embarking on this venture sounded like a death sentence, but if he died as a martyr while achieving something grand, perhaps it would prove those who had condemned him wrong, and inspire others to follow in his footsteps and embrace all the power they possibly could." it becomes long, but there's also no longer any doubt as to what is meant.
I suppose it's not really his knowledge, but his informants he should be referring to, so I changed it to that. Sure his knowledge is a result of his informants giving him information but knowledge seems to point more towards history, knowledge of tradition and spells etc...
Simplified it to "but at least then there was a chance they could avoid a fight."
Changed it up a little to: "She knew him far too well not to see it: he was going to honour her wish if it was the last thing he did. He, who had been willing to throw away everything from the sanctuary of his village, to his age-old friends, he who had discarded his own personal safety and perhaps even his very own soul, all in order to avenge Cenarius and save their people from the Horde."
That's a quite important line actually because without it it could seem strange that he'd accept being distrusted and put in a jail later.
Ending it with "and inspire.... footsteps" works good enough and this "and embrace..." seems to make it longer than it should.
Yes, that sounds logical.
Makes sense.
I'd have to check back where ths "he was going to honour" appears. The subtlety and uncertainty about whether he'll do it worked well so far. You could also add more uncertainty by adding "she believed/was convinced he'll honour...". That way it won't sound like the narrator is certain of it and states it as a fact.
I'm not saying it isn't or that it sounds bad in general, quite the contrary. It simply seemed gramatically incomplete like an unfinished thought.
Yes, that sounds logical.
Makes sense.
I'd have to check back where ths "he was going to honour" appears. The subtlety and uncertainty about whether he'll do it worked well so far. You could also add more uncertainty by adding "she believed/was convinced he'll honour...". That way it won't sound like the narrator is certain of it and states it as a fact.
I'm not saying it isn't or that it sounds bad in general, quite the contrary. It simply seemed gramatically incomplete like an unfinished thought.
Hmm, I suppose it's clear enough what he's trying to prove people wrong about without that line.
Well, it's written from her perspective, and she's certain about it. I don't wanna confuse the reader too much here because I want him to expect that the missing Kul Tiras fleet is exactly what the story is going to, so the reader kind of be waiting for Elduin to show up, for example when they're being held by the warlock, they could expect him to show up and save the day.
Yeah, I get that, just pointing it out. It also makes his manipulating of Llorrin later (he kinda does this) more believable.
I see. With Ishrien it makes sense.