I hear ya. When I started putting my lit on DA I learned pretty quickly that it's hard to get attention for anything, even lit as good as yours. Try not to let it depress you … or just accept the depression as part of writing and keep a happy face on despite. It's not easy what we do, throwing words to what can feel like an uncaring void, but neither is anything worth doing. And there are ways to make it fun. Anyway, turns out it was a mistake telling you the piece needed a summary and questions, that's only a rule for new submissions. But I'm glad you did, as I'll get in to. So, on to your critique!
Your first paragraph would be almost unreadable to a newcomer who didn't know who all these people and names were, but having read your summary I can get by and so they seem more like an excellent reminder to readers of the central characters.
The paragraph starting with “Asmodeus' home was crafted of” feels a little out of place. Why are we learning here what the home looks like? It's a lot of excellent descriptions - aside from some of the generic words like “impressive” and “beautiful” - but why are you taking the reader on what amounts to a flashback to Reicher's world? Maybe if someone asks Reicher, “So what is your home like?” he could answer, “My father Asmodeus' home is crafted of … .” and we would get everything there.
I was told once that the word “it” should never be used in descriptive prose, since “it” is a pronoun and you should be using a more interesting word. Might I suggest “the air” in that description of the greenhouse? Also there's a leftover comma at the end of that sentence.
Should I know who Vivian Taylor and Dr. Baxter are? I suppose your summary would say if Vivian had been introduced yet … so Vivian is introduced almost as if she's showed up before, light on description and heavy on the feeling, while Baxter feels either new or like someone who was mentioned in passing. By the way, your “gruff, elderly” description of Baxter's voice is very good, I can hear the voice perfectly when I read his lines.
Vivian is almost too sweet of a character, what with walking among rainbows, humming as plants reach out to her, eyes like melted chocolate and talking to the wind. I can't wait to see what you do with / to her … and having reached the end, I was not disappointed in either case!
“He was seventy … He was blind ...” These two sentences feel a little odd right next to each other, I think because they both start the same and have pretty much the same job. Maybe separate them, or combine them, or change how one starts?
Ah, so Vivian is a witch! That's as interesting as I had hoped, and a good explanation for the moving plants thing, but I do have a small quibble with you taking the whole rest of this section to tell us what she can do, along with descriptions of her entire family. A lot of the family members are amusing or interesting to read about, her mom is a walking joke about talkative receptionists and her sister Mary is exactly the stereotype of a fiery redhead with fire-based superpowers … but will these people have anything to do with your story? If not … well it's nice that you're building up the world, but isn't there some way you could do so within the plot? You don't need this section, it would be more natural for someone later to ask Vivian about her magic and have her say something like, “Oh, that's nothing! My brother controls lightning!”
Also, you write, “Her blood was cursed, not her family line, but her actual blood.” 1) I wasn't even thinking metaphorically when you said her blood was cursed, though I suppose it doesn't hurt to clarify, and 2) if cursed blood is what gives Vivian magic and the rest of her family is magic as well, then doesn't she in fact have a cursed family line?
I was a little surprised to hear that Vivian was in high school. I didn't see that coming at all, she felt early twenties to me.
Gary appearing the moment he is mentioned feels a little cliché.
Calling your zombies “dolls” and Gary calling Vivian “doll” is the creepiest foreshadowing, I like it!
So all throughout the family dinner table conversation (which felt very real by the way) I was going back up to that section describing Vivian's family to see who these people were. So was that the purpose? Because I don't think readers will want to keep going backwards like that. Your story has a loose omniscient narrator anyway, you could use that and combine the two. Instead of Vivian looking up from her plate at “him” before mumbling, she could look up at her “eldest brother.”
I like how Vivian isn't all rainbows and sweetness with her brothers. She's glaring at naughty librarian jokes and punching Adam, that's a nice roundness to her character.
“Vivian waved[,] used to their freakiness” … that's not how a “;” is used
“Dr. Baxter's sputtering [Nova]” … capitalizing a proper noun
And more dark foreshadowing with Adam's “I'll miss her.”
Everyone has such outlandish anime eye colors. Silver-zircon? Peridot?
“to torment me by making me help you injure people” … that sentence twists my tongue in knots
“like the trees she adored” … what trees? Vivian is tied to plants but I never got the feeling she adores trees especially.
Dr. Baxter is exactly as sweet as Vivian, but if we never see any other side to him (like seeing Vivian with her brothers) he will turn out to be a flat, one-dimensional character … which is fine if he never shows up again.
I like the section where Ezra creepily stares at Vivian over his paper, first deciding that she's cute (like his wife, lol) and next that she's soft emotionally as well. With this and the next section you're really building up to Ezra kidnapping Vivian very well, and from there until the end I was completely engrossed by what was happening. The ending is sick, brutal and a punch in the gut, but I was well prepared by your foreshadowing and I loved every moment.
Wait, what does it mean that “the doctor attempted to experiment on the deceased woman” near the end? What kind of experiments can he do in such a short time? I would understand if he was attempting to dissect her, but experiment doesn't make much sense. I want to know what he is doing here … bringing house plants close to see if they bloom?
The flow feels natural, except for the extended flashback and description of family. Only a few grammar issues. You evoked the visual excellently. I like how you use foreshadowing and tone to set up Vivian becoming a doll. I don't like Vivian seeing Death and a Baku and knowing exactly what they are without anybody having told her.
All together, very good! There was whole sections where I had nothing to say, and that tells me how good it was. I'll be doing chapter six next ... though it may take me a while, busy couple weeks ahead. Any more questions for this one?
So working hard on things, and then having people either only fave-and-run, write an insulting “good story”, or not even bother to read sets me on edge and makes me grouchy. I hate “good stories” because when you’re too lazy to really say anything else, then it’s likely you never even read the thing. Or when you ask a deviant who did fave and replies when you tell them thank you, what they liked best, and they give you a beat-around-the-bush answer. When you know someone only glanced at something you bled out of you, you nursed, cultivated, well, it’s on my list of things that I find insulting. It’s right beside insulting my intelligence.
When I let the depression in, nothing else comes out. It’s like it locked the door and is beating me with a stick. Inspiration is my only means to get anything out. And desire. I always have some kind of feeling when I write. I love my characters, but there’s always a different emotion when I write. If you’re good or you know me well enough, you can see what I felt creating it.
Sorry for all this ranting. See, I don’t like summaries. I really don’t. Mostly because when you add a summary to a chapter, people will just read the summary and not bother looking at the chapters below it. It’s good to have a refresh I suppose, but you tend to get recaps in my stories if you read long enough. I also hate summaries because sometimes you give away too much, and I never know how to word them in a way that is interesting for someone to want to read. And these critique questions. *quiet groaning* I understand they make your job easier, but c’mon! If something sounds stupid or wrong, point it out. If you look at a question, you’re likely to focus too heavily on that and not the piece itself. I’m bias when I read over my own work, there are things I will miss and continue to miss despite re-reading. To me, critique is not laying out specific guides that you want people to look for, it’s the person’s honest feeling and opinion. But that’s me, and I hated doing art critique in college.
This beast is better read from the beginning. Even if it is terrible and filled with holes. It’s like cheese. Swiss cheese. My story is Swiss cheese. Again, thank you for putting up with me.
And there’s my point. You don’t just read a book smack in the middle. You have no idea what’s going on. Though since people do insist on that, I’ll consider a tiny light on the names in the piece next time.
The description. Oh, god the description of Asmodeus’ house. God, I fucking hated that. Asmodeus is my friend Kuro’s character. We joked it’d be funny if Reicher, a baku (dream-eater), was the son of Asmodeus prince of lust in hell. That description. I worked on that for days, and Kur wasn’t happy with it, I wasn’t happy with it. I just said to it “Screw you, you either go in like this, or I slash you out entirely’. But as to why I never put it as you suggested is easy. They don’t care. Reicher tries to distance himself as much as possible. The doctor believes he’s just a demon, and since Scynthia told him what she could, which you don’t learn about here, he has no reason. I actually cut that piece of tumor from the full novel in my word document.
Hmm, I suppose that does sound better. As I said somewhere above, I’m the only one who looks these things over nowadays. Two of my friends are busy with college, or they find the subject matter revolting, and the other just pets my ego. So if it sounds fine to me, it stays. I’ve tried asking for help with what few watchers are constant, but they refuse or ignore me. Also, some groups that claim they help don’t actually help at all, and I get treated like the smelly, weird kid in class and am ignored. As for the comma, I must have mistaken it for a period and never fixed it, thank you.
Vivian is this chapter’s focus. She is the next victim. I cut the first few chapters in half. Some of it I focus on the Sparrows, and at some point I cut to the new addition. As for name importance, Vivian’s last name is in honor of my 11th grade Bio II teacher. All of the dolls’ names have some importance to someone I know. Or something interesting.
I’ve written Wicked Toys twice before this. The original had all of the characters mentioned in this so far. It’s easy for me to become nostalgic from their original conception. But, her familiarity is good because out of the characters, Vivian is the one you would want to feel you know. That you can trust. And Dr. Baxter is never seen again. Or if he is, in flashbacks. Thank you. I thought of my late grandfather when wording him.
Vivian has always been sweet. Even as Chrysanthemum. She’s naïve to most who see her. But she’s weary. Her personality is more complex when you step inside of her mind. She’s tender because she wants to remind you that even in bad situations you can still give love and be somewhat innocent. I use her as Katrina’s polar. Where Katrina is fierce and insane, Chrys is sweet and stable. Ezra torments her relentlessly later, as does the last of the main dolls. She becomes the object of his obsession. He appears in 9, my next chapter.
She does have moments were the sweet cracks, and she can become wicked. Those happen after 8 with the second to the last doll, a young boy who she adopts as her child. The pretty plants she loves are her most deadly weapon when she becomes undead.
I suppose the reason I wrote them that way was to make a point. I can’t recall what the point was at this given moment, but there was one.
She is, yes. I don’t dabble too heavily in science fiction. I base what I do off of reality as much as I can, so old myths of witches controlling elements fit better than just a girl who controlled the earth. *hacks* Yeeah, going into detail about the entire Taylors was a bit of a mess as well, but they won’t exactly come back up for a very, very long time. As in the second book maybe. It does need cleaning. And her mother is only talkative because she’s an actual wind bag.
See what I mean by I don’t catch things when it’s just me reading?
When I first wrote the story with my ex-friend and dA partner Kagome, we were high school freshmen. Her characters are gone which is one of the reasons it’s been re-written twice now… Anyways, all of the dolls were young. Katrina and Mono were 17, Crimson was 21, Phobia was in an 18 year old body but was aged about 23, Chrys was 16 and Barbata was 6. I kept most of the ages save for Katrina and Mono. They got bumped up a year for their horrible sex-capades. Chrys does eventually age to that as the story progresses. She has a romantic interest or two.
Her youth is meant to be one of the reasons Ezra is so impressed with her.
I’ll tell you a little secret. About three other people know it. These chapters, at least some large slabs of meat from them, are recycled from the second version. I had no real go to make them entirely from scratch. And the second version is from 2011, so it’s horribly aged. Clichés and all.
Thank you. I loved it, too. S’why I kept it in.
I hadn’t intended for anyone to have to scroll up and down. I suppose that’s my mistake since I see these people as if they were right in front of me. I’d never considered combining the family description that way. I just wanted it done with and could move on. Every time I worked a new chapter, the next would rip me from what flimsy train of thought I did have for the current.
Heh, told you the sweet cracks. I have another character, my first that my dA name is for, who actually uses her sweetness as a mask. She’s quite ruthless when needed. Vivian as Chrys also treats Mono like she does her brothers when she gets to know him well enough. Especially like Adam. She doesn’t remember her family entirely, but Mono is a lot like Adam. His middle name is even Adam when he was human. And they’re both gay. So, she uses what she does remember and projects her brother onto him.
It’s how I was taught. I’m from the south. A poor area of the south, and my English teachers never corrected it and even used it themselves. They taught us that it was a pause.
Adam’s fun. He’s psychic. He knows what will befall her, but I took out him seeing her horrors for reasons.
No, no. That’s my adjectives for them. Silver-zircon is light blue with grayish flecks. Peridot is a light green. Zircon and peridot are birth stone colors. I like making them sound fun~ It makes me happy. The only characters with unnatural eyes are Reicher, Scynthia, and Phobia. They all have some kind of purple, or Reicher’s was citron or amethyst. I can’t recall. That would make them either a light orange or light purple-pink. Also, if Reicher’s big brother shows up. His eyes are pink, but he’s an incubus. I prefer zircon, emerald, or peridot when describing eye colors. It’s more fun for me that way than just saying baby blue, dark green, light green. They sound so bland to me. It’s my stamp.
Injure needs taken out. Hurt should have been put in. Mono and Kat have an odd thing. He hates her guts, but also has a weird attraction since he unknowingly dated her cousin, Louisa, and is transfixed.
I didn’t mean for trees to sound so specific. She loves all earth. Animals, dirt, rocks.
Again, he never does. Unless I decide one day “Hey, Baxter knew Ezra kinda, maybe he decides to ask him about Vivian and a doctor battle ensues?” Or something random like that. He’s never been thought out too far.
Ezra is fun to work with when he’s not fucking up his daughter. He’s evil without really knowing he’s evil. If you get my meaning. He’s creepy, but he doesn’t leak creep like Phobia does. Which Phobia is a rotting corpse…
Honestly? I have no idea what he did to her. Bastard won’t say. He just laughs at me. All I can say is he still runs tests on her in the later chapters as well.
I’ve never been too great at flashing back. I get caught up in something and forget where I am and start to flounder. Damn commas. Kagome used to say I over detailed, but I want people to see what’s in my head as well as I do. It’s a crazy world in my brain.
Heh, no one had to tell her. She’s a witch. She believes in magical creatures and reapers. Dream eaters are norm for her, as would be death. It’s why she and Reicher eventually develop a special bond.
Ahh, sis is a mess. It was basically fanservice and I need to edit 7 and 8 accordingly to it since I forgot. I don’t believe I have any more questions since this borders over 2,000 words. Thank you, dear.
Smut huh? Dang, maybe I should write a little smut, I could use people reading and giving good comments. I guess I just don't want to be seen that way; my first major story was a Pokefic starring Misty and my brooding Marty Stue protagonist and I made most of their interactions the sort that would imply romance in their future, but it was all an illusion and by the end Misty was set on ushering in a god-war apocalypse and my protagonist had his old girlfriend back. I think that threw people for a loop, I have a lot of comments from the first few chapters but almost nothing towards the end. The problem is, people understand smut. Sex sells, as they say.
I really think people misuse faves. Someone will come by, drop three faves as if it's supposed to be the greatest gift they could give, then leave and never say why they liked them. If you like something, a comment saying so and why is much more important. A fave should be so you can remember the piece or the artist, which is how I use them. You know, I think the artist shouldn't even be informed when someone faves, the piece should just go in that person's fave gallery and they can share that area with others if they want to. “Good story” comments aren't much better than a fave, but at least it can serve as an invitation to ask the person a question.
No one actually insults anyone for their intelligence, except when the insulter is jealous or the insulted was being a jerk about it.
I don't know much about depression, but there are some great groups I know of where people get together to talk about that kind of stuff. I could introduce you?
The point of the summery is not to be interesting, far from it. The point is simply to pick out the important bits, for your sake and the reader, without all that beautiful fluff and emotion and visual language. If someone would rather read your summery than the story it summarizes, that person doesn't understand the point of reading a story. For me your summery was very helpful, so thanks.
The point of a critique question is so that I know what you want me to read for. I'm going to point out what looks wrong, sounds stupid or feels off no matter what, but if your intentions for the piece don't come through then the piece isn't finished yet. Say you wanted this chapter to be horror macabre the whole way through. If so, I would tell you that the section with Vivian and her family doesn't fit that tone and you should find some way to remove or change that bit, unless it worked as an “exception to prove the rule” kind of thing. I'm guessing your actual intention was to have this chapter start happy and go progressively darker, and to that aim the piece was pretty much perfect. In fact, if you had asked me the question “Does this piece start happy and go progressively darker” I would have told you that the start with gloomy Reicher in the window should be moved to around the middle, so that rainbow Vivian starts the chapter and everything else is that slide downward.
“better read from the beginning” … Where is the beginning? Is it chapter 1? Is it a prologue you haven't yet written? Is it the day Ezra was born, or Reicher, or the worlds they inhabit? A story should have one starting point, but that's because a story is a frame centered purposefully on just one piece of a larger world. And in the same way, a chapter should be a frame as well, and I should be able to read the chapter within that frame without knowing what happens outside of it, so long as the purpose shines through.
The “;” symbol is indeed tricky, but basically it's exactly like it seems, a combination of the “,” and “:” symbols. So it's a pause that takes you to a separate thought, but also whatever comes after is strongly related to the previous thought. Use it whenever you want to say something that directly follows from the previous statement, but you don't want to stop as long as a “.” does. “I was walking home when I saw the fire; the trees and other green things burned with an orange glow.”
Ah, I wondered if Adam might be psychic. I thought he maybe was, but that he wasn't consciously aware of it.
“I'm assuming you want to take this time to torment me by making me help you hurt people” … yep, still twists my tongue. Maybe split it up and make it shorter, “Are we going outside then? I assume you want me to hurt people?”
A doctor battle between those two might be interesting, a classic evil versus good thing … and I see evil winning.
Villains who don't know they are villains are the best villains.
If you're going to say he runs tests on her, it would be interesting to see what those tests are, the more sadistic the better. Let him know he won't get any cookies without telling you.
Ah, so witches just know things? That's a little boring, I like there to be a solid reason for why someone knows something. Maybe Vivian's windbag mom mentioned Baku once? Maybe Vivian's mom dated a Baku before marrying Vivian's dad! She could have so many stories …
You are very welcome! By the way, my group asked me to critique 5, 6 and both parts of 7 and so I will do so, but would you like to do a side thing? I would do critiques on those first few chapters and whatever else you have in exchange for critiques on my writing, at a 1-for-1 rate. Sound interesting?
Heh, it’s not straight up smut. It has plots, it just has sex in it. Now I have written complete trash, but most of my works before my series’ hit dA had plots. Or flimsy plots. Sex does sell. I used to tell my friend Zminz that. But, he also had to listen to me in class run ideas by him. He actually helped some of my plot with Loving “Honey”.
I don’t write fanfics. I can’t. I like to be able to ask people questions. You’re more likely to read something with the knitty gritty than just adventure. It’s why Wicked Toys eventually has lots of sex and sadism. That and Katrina’s a nympho sadist anyways… Also, Calypse… My best IRL friend’s demon. He’s evil. And knows it.
See, I agree with you. It helps artists grow. “Good stories” are like someone took a phallic object, and smacked me in the face. I hate them so, so much.
Heh, no, baby talk is insulting, and where I’m from, people in better cities think I’m stupid by default. It boils my blood. Which is bad, because when I’m angry or scared, my accent comes out. I talk like a southern belle then.
I’d never really thought I’d be depressed. Well, I always was depressing, but never depressed. Mine stems from a walking, human-shaped piece of waste I call a step-father. Take his dickery out of the picture, I’m my old self. But, I wouldn’t mind those groups.
I still don’t like them. I suppose because I don’t like having to pick. Most authors are crazy, so when you pick and choose bits, characters can get grumpy and leave you in the dark. No, thank you for actually listening to me. Heh.
Hmm, I can see that. I’ll consider it more thoroughly if I finish my zombie story then. About the descending. 4, 5, 7, 8, and 9 are character sections. All of them start with the character in a likely happy image save for 9. 9 ain’t happy at all, man. Not one iota. It’s dark all the way through. I like horror, and when I write, I tend to write similar to life. Few people have happy endings. Not to say none happen. Vivian’s is the one that takes the quickest left turn into terrible. I also want to make it so that you can like the character and feel bad for them.
But the questions, the questions! I just don’t like them.
Heh, the beginning is when Katrina goes to see a therapist. Now once upon a time it was when she was a baby. I see your point, or I at the very least think I do. But, when starting somewhere after the first, you’re left without certain details.
It’s also difficult to see when you’re visually impaired. But, I see your point and will be more careful in the future. I’m comma sparse rather than comma abundant.
Draft 2 I think, yes, had Vivian’s siblings in it. They all had elemental ties and had a minor thing from it. Adam’s was being psychic, Vivian was to be good with animals. I’d have to dig up my notes to tell you everyone else.
Yeah, I do that too. Run ons and smashing sentences together. Sometimes if one looks too long, I cut it in half and only keep a part.
Baxter’s older than Ezra, he’d likely die of a heart attack. Evil does win in this story. If you stick around to the end, you’ll see. I mean, all of the dolls (but Phobia and Katrina) and Reicher have happy endings. Happy-ish. Katrina loses her immortality and gets imprisoned in an insane asylum for the good of the other dolls. She does it willingly, but it’s still a bitter end for her, and she’s not happy. Then she goes to Hell. The others also take her saving them for granted and still refuse to give her the love she craved from normal people.
Makes it easier for me to write Ezra. He’s horrible.
Not all. Just her. Animals are her thing. Baku’s are animals. Weird animals, but animals. Well, they’re full dream-eater form. They look like tapirs with horns and stripes. Ahh, never considered, piss what was her mom’s name?, dating a mytho. My brain just decided to short circuit. I don’t exactly have demons and such fraternize with the characters in Wicked Toys until Reicher comes to Katrina. I have so much editing *sighs and shakes head*.
7’s 11,and 400 and something last check. Have fun. Thing was a monster… Six is the shortest so far.
A deal? Though I’d like someone to look at that mess, I have to warn you, I’m not good at critiques. I’d be glad to help as well, and as much as I can though. So long as you don’t have any cruel and unusual violence to women. I randomly found someone’s page that had that and was disturbed. I’m not disturbed easily. I’ve eviscerated Katrina dozens of times… But, to stop rambling, I’d have no problem critiquing for you. It just may not be awesome and filled with sparkles.
(I write these long replies in Word in case my computer decides to go "lol nope" and turn off on me. So pardon the long gaps.)Sorry I took a while to respond, busy week. I didn't even have the free hour or so it would take to reply so I put it off. But I can now!
The head of the Grammar Nazi Critiques group is also the head / founder / contributor of several groups where people can go to talk about emotional issues. A-Safe-Haven is for abuse support, even mental or emotional abuse. Understood-Accepted is for people to talk about their emotional issues with others who have the same issues. BurdenedHearts is where people can get life encouragement and share emotional art. They're all a little light and fluffy looking and that may not be your thing, but you could ask MagicalJoey for recommendations on other groups, I'd bet they know of more.
Critique questions are indeed tough, I don't think I've met anyone who could easily say what they wanted to know about a piece after writing it. One method that's worked for me is to ask a question you think you already know the answer to, so you can see if the reader came to that same answer.
So if someone asked Vivian about the mating habits of a three-toed sloth, she would know without having been told? Or if she saw a picture in a book of a three-toed sloth, she would be able to name it? That's probably something you could make more obvious earlier somehow.
Ah, if you're not sure about giving critiques I would understand, though as a writer I would recommend getting better at them … and there's a group for that, Learn2Crit-Lit. Critiques are a really good way to work on turning natural talent into solid knowledge, since you have to know why something is bad or good when you say so. Plus you see how others do things, and you might learn some technique or trick you wouldn't have ever imagined before.
Hmm, I'll have to give those a look. Thank you very much.
That's one of the problems. I don't really know what to ask. i know everything, or at the very least that they'll tell me. So it's hard to pick one thing, and ask it. Because what sounds shaky to you, I know frontwards and backwards.
Oh, yes. And I see your point. Sometimes i forget little things like that, and they never pop up until someone says something.
This new site I'm on is actually helping me learn~ It's called scribophile if you don't know it, but since it was the GNC co-founder I think who told me about it, you probably do. Either wa, I'm being thorough in case you didn't.
I should also say that animal knowledge is a fine and good power for a witch to have ... but still, Vivian recognizing a Baku on sight (and a Reaper? Is that an animal?) didn't feel like part of her witch powers. It felt more like author caveat.
It's not so much a power. The being good with animals is. her knowing them, even mythic ones, is her personal knowledge from spell books, regular books, etc. I need to add that. as for death. When you see someone standing in the shadows with a scythe, wouldn't you at least give a thought to it being death? It needs editing. I know that. That's why I submitted it to GNC.